You did what at work?

We all have those fun little stories of crazy shit we or some one else did at work. Here are a few of mine.

So I was working at T-Mobile in one of their call canters a couple years ago and they had a dress up day. The theme, cross dressing. That's right girls got duded up and guys got gussied up, me included. At the time my hair was long, just past my shoulders and had gone from brown to blond to black which is a story of it's own that I may share some time. Anyway I threw a pair of my ex wifes leather pants on and one of her oh so feminine shirts. Put on make up and lipstick and went to work. Oh did I forget to mention I did not shave off the mustache and goatee. I was a site to behold and then run screaming from. At one point I went out for a smoke break and one of the girls I knew walked up next to me to join in the circle of people talking. She was standing next to me not looking at me and with my hair down it kind of blocked her view of my face. I would say a good 5 minutes went by before she yelled "HOLY SHIT! I didn't know that was you until I looked at your face. I thought you really were woman." Needless to say people nearly fell down laughing.

There is one and here is the next one.

When I worked for United Healthcare (UHC) we had a little game we played amongst the supervisors. Let's say you got up and walked away from your desk but you did not lock your computer. If we saw an open computer we would open your email and send a letter of resignation to your boss. We would might cc you in on the letter if we remembered. Try explaining that one to your boss.

One day working at a video store some one came in and said "I am looking for movie with this guy in it..." I cut him off off and said "you mean that one with the guy that was in that movie with the chick that is in that other movie directed by that guy." I am a dick.

I have one those stress balls that is connected to an elastic string that is more like a yoyo. My favorite thing to do with it was to walk up behind an employee and throw it at their screen right in front of their face then snap it back. I am a dick.

At T-Mobile our big boss was a short Hispanic man. We had just had the be the bean story rolled out. Short version in life be like a coffee bean that changes the water and turns it into a cup of coffee instead of letting the water change it. So this guy dresses up like Juan Valdez and gets a real live miniature burrow and brings it to the office and takes through every pod. You have never been so startled as when a burrows nose catches your peripheral vision. and you turn to see a real burrow eye to eye.

When I was in the Air Force and stationed at Tinker AFB in Oklahoma City, we had a little game we like dto play that involved a football. You would grab the football and walk up behind some one leaned back in an office chair and bring that fucker down hard into their gut while yelling "TAKE THE HAND OFF!" We were dicks.

Are you noticing a theme?

One year for Halloween when my ex was pregnant with the Dude I decided my costume was going to be her. No I did not wear her. I dressed up in her maternity clothes and gave myself a nice pregnant belly and quite the rack. Again I did not shave the facial hair. Then I went to work. Did I mention I was a manager. I have no shame.

While working at UHC I had one pharmacy company I was dealing with weekly to get a bunch claims paid for them. This went on for nearly a year. I was single at the time. Over the course of the year me and this woman got to talking about other than work things. Let's just say there were some dirty emails and phone calls. This led to her wanting to send me a plane ticket to come spend a week with her for sex. I ended up turning her down because I met my ex wife and after our first date I knew I wanted to see more of her and saw the potential for something serious and did not want to jeopardize that for a week of frivolous sex. I look back now and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

This is just a few of the crazy things I have done over the years at work. This post was inspired by Crissy with this post she put up last week. I encourage you to check her stuff out. She is quite the entertaining lady, well maybe not lady but an entertaining woman none the less. Sorry Crissy, couldn't resist. I seem to put that in a lot of comments I leave on her blog.

Well it's been swell but the selling has gone down. Any one that name the movie I stole that from gets 5, no let's make it 10 cookies. Have fun all.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K

AKA the story of my life. I am constantly running into weird stuff. It happens so often that all I have to do is call my buddy and say "ready for another addition of strange things are afoot at the Circle K?"

Which he replies "what weird shit is going on now?"

Just in the last 2 years since my ex-wife and I split up things have been nothing but weird in my life. My ex was trying to get me laid. She tried repeatedly to set me up with a friend of hers knowing it was just going to be for sex. I passed. I was scared of what the woman might be planning. About a month later I had been chatting with a woman in Georgia and she booked me last minute planes tickets to come out there for my birthday which just happened to be Labor day weekend. Of course I went. How many times is that going to happen in your life. I had to go.

The first time my ex met my current girlfriend she hugged her. Just walked right up to her and wrapped her arms around her. Creeped my girlfriend out.

3 years ago my girlfriend was my employee. At the time niether one of us acknowledged the attraction to each other. I was married and she was living with some one. Then after my ex wife and I split up and several months had passed I ran into a friend of my girlfriends who also worked for me back in the day (which was a Wednesday) and I had told her I was back in town and single but never mentioned current girlfriend. A short time later I received an email from my now girlfriend on MySpace asking if I remembered her. Me being me, I went straight for the kill (I know poor choice of words but I am listening to AC/DC right now and it seemed fitting), telling her I had always had a thing for her but because when we met I was married, she was with some body and she worked for me I had kept that to myself. Her reply, ditto.

That was just over a year ago and I have never been happier. It is weird when you get to have your fantasy. For 2 years she had appeared frequently in my fantasies. I had also appeared in hers. Then as time went on and we discussed people we knew from the past here in Chico, we were amazed how many people we both knew. I had even met her ex husband years ago. One of my former room mates was a friend of hers. Funny how life works out.

So let's see what other weird shit have I gotten myself into. I once lived with a lesbian room mate who was dating a woman that had been part of the only threesome I have been a part of. That was a great 23rd birthday present but an experience that did not live up to the fantasy. Yes Sy before you start it was 2 woman and me.

In writing this I have been examining all aspects of my past. I spent 4 years in the Air Force where I lived 8- 10 years of experience. I have been to other countries. I spent 3 months in Panama and 2 in Honduras.

I have seen how the poorest of the poor live. I was in the middle of no where in Honduras.

I have see death and destruction. I lived in Oklahoma City at the time of the bombing and lost a dear friend. I got married the first time 12 days before it happened.

I have seen riots. I was in Panama when the labor riots started in 1995.

I have seen lives change over night. I have seen all four seasons in one day. I have seen hell freeze over. Any one that has ever lived in Oklahoma that is not from there will agree with that.

I swam with a shark. When I was stationed at Patrick AFB in Coco Beach Florida I used to swim in the ocean at night when I could not sleep. One night I felt something bump my leg. I look next to me and I saw a 4 ft shark. Now the shark never tried to bite me. The bump I felt was from its tale as it swam along side me. I could have reacted with the thought of how cool it was to have a shark just swimming next to me and enjoyed the experience. I wish I could tell you that is what happened. The truth however is that I shot straight up out of the water and flew through the air for 100 yards to the shore. Not a proud moment.

Before I left Florida in August of 1993 I was walking along the beach at night. I had switched to the walks after the shark incident. (Sy there may be an interview for your.) I saw something off in the distance by the water. I could not make out what it was. As I got closer I thought maybe 2 people were down there fucking. It was late and dark and I was still a good distance away. When I finally got close enough to see what it was I was surprised to see a sea turtle coming up on the shore to lay her eggs.

When I was in technical school in the Air Force I was in Biloxi Mississippi stationed at Keesler AFB. The only redeeming value that Biloxi has are the 2 following things. 90 minutes west and you are in New Orleans. At 18 my little green card (military ID) got me into any bar on Bourbon Street. You go 90 minutes east and you are in Panama City Florida. Lots of fun but I recommend not staying in the small town 20-30 miles inland that we had chosen for the cheap hotel room. Let me explain. We went into this little town on Friday night and went into the pool hall. We were minding our business not talking to any one. We were just shooting some pool. After about 30 minutes or so I looked around. I noticed 2 things.

1. Every woman in there was looking at us like they were about to throw us on the tables and molest us.

2. Every guy in there was looking at like they were going to stake us down to the pool tables and beat us to death.

We left very soon after that.

I have broken a heart or 2 and have mine handed to me on a silver platter more times than I care to remember.

I have a mini me, AKA the Dude. His birth was nothing short of a miracle. My ex wife had thyroid cancer and had the surgery to have it removed and then a follow up radiation treatment. My son weas conceived within a window of time that the radiation could have killed him or caused deformities. After the first sonogram he looked somewhat normal. After the second one I knew he was a little dude. It was not until he was born and I held in my arms that I was finally able to breath sigh of relief and cry tears of joy.

I have been a whore. I have been a drunk. I have been naive and ignorant. I still am in some ways.

I have seen a lot and I have done a lot and because of everything I have seen and done I have come to a couple conclusions about life. Life lessons as they were. I have learned the simplest pleasures are the best. I have learned to love with everything I am or not at all. Life is too short not to. I have learned life is not fair. I have learned that I still have a lot of learning to do.

Well this post started as one thing and evolved into something completely different. Seems to becoming the norm. In closing I will say this. It really is true, no matter where you go there you are and if you're not happy with where you're at then move.

There is a Storm Brewing

A Blog Storm that is. Now on with the show.

I showed some one something once and they laughed, I punched the fucker out.

So I heard that smokers are an inconsiderate lot. I was reading an article where a woman was complaining about a smoker smoking outside. I got a little upset and ranted a bit. I am no martyr, I am a smoker. I also am a guy that doesn't take shit. What is it about smoking that people do not understand. Apparently it is a huge well kept secret that nicotine is known as one of the most addictive substances on the planet. More addictive than cocaine and heroine. Ever watch come one try to quit smoking. I have from the inside. Let me tell you it is no picnic. There is the anxiety, the urge to rip someones face off if it means you can have a cigarette, the absence of a sense of humor, the depression, the anger, the loss of patience for the stupidity that surrounds us all and an overwhelming urge to crawl into a whole and stay there until the withdrawals pass.

My girlfriend fears for my health but is afraid of what I would be like if I quit. Let me explain why. You see if I was hooked on coke or heroine or crack or meth or alcohol or a number of other substances there are laws in place that protect my employment if I check into rehab and go away for 6-8 weeks to recover from my addiction and get healthy. Smokers have a gum or a patch or a pill but are expected to be at work every day dealing with the stress with no opportunity to remove them selves to get healthy. If a smoker breaks from the withdrawals and and lashes out he will most likely lose his job even though nicotine is more addictive. I have tried a number of times using the patch, the gum and a pill. The patch did little and I would still have ripped your face off for a cigarette and that is not an attempt at humor. Sadly that is the cold hard truth. I tired the gum and had the same result. I tried a pill and for the first time in my life I thought about killing myself. I later found out that many others that had tried that particular pill had the same thoughts of suicide. Oh the pill is Welbutrin.

I know normally I give you sarcasm and wit. I make bad jokes and thumb my nose at people that get on a high horse. Each time I have tried to quit I have failed because frankly I am not stronger than the addiction. I am weak. Try admitting that in such a public forum.

Well now that I have that out of my system on to something completely different. I unfortunately am a fan of The Celebrity Apprentice and there is nothing sadder than watching a 6' 7" cowboy and a former heavy weight champion boxer go on a mission to buy nail polish for a back street boy. The lack of caps is intended. When they put out some music then I will consider giving them some respect. I am talking of course of Trace Adkins and Lennox Lewis. The poor bastards. Now I don't like country music but after watching this show you can't help but to respect a performer that has gone out on stage with kidney stones or has gone out on stage in unbelievable pain and then after the show had 18" of his colon removed. I can respect that. I don't like his music but I respect Trace Adkins as a performer.

I saw this ad for making a dildo mold out of my own member. Yeah I am going to leave you at that and let your imagination go wild. I somehow get the feeling that I would love to hear Crissy's opinion on that one in her blog especially since her husband likes to give her hell about the real doll. Sorry Crissy but it just popped into my mind and that is how this post is written.

Now that I have lost half of you the rest can read on.

Just popped my neck for the first time today and Oh my God did it feel good. It's been driving me crazy all day.

OK so Trace Adkins just said he could beat up the back street boys by himself and you know what I believe him.

Where was I. I forgot. Can some one help me out. Oh well next.

I was just thinking of the funny stories I read on other blogs and one story came to mind. My best friend comes from a long line of angry Irish. His stories of his grandfather are always good for laugh. My favorite is the time his cousin brought a black boyfriend home for the holidays. they walk in and she introduces her boyfriend to her grandfather who came here straight from Ireland. Now you have to imagine hearing this with a strong Irish accent. Grand Dad being Grand Dad asked the young man "So I see your black, how is that working out for you?"

This poor guy who really was a good guy gets this puzzled look on his face and answers "It's going fine for me sir."

"Ah that's good. So tell me I hear you black fellas are rather well endowed, is that true"

At this point my buddy and some of his other cousins are on the couch laughing hysterically. Which gets a response from his grandfather "Aye you little bastards shut the hell up before I come over and kick your asses." So they try to straighten up and he turns to the young man again and says "Well how about it is it true, I mean I want to know how well my grand daughter is being well taken care of."

The poor guy is frozen and unable to speak and this when my buddies cousin grabs her boyfriend and drags him off telling Grand Dad "Leave him alone. You don't need to know that."

This probably does not come across as very funny in type but to hear my buddy tell the story will have you in tears.

You know I just looked up and saw my girlfriend is watching porn. Good porn in fact. Damn I love that woman.

I may pay dearly for that. I know she reads this dribble once in a while and this could get me get me in trouble.

So the Dudes mom is picking him up in the morning. He spends 2 weeks with her and 2 weeks with me and so on. It works and as much as I feel guilty for it the first couple days I enjoy the peace but hen I start missing my Dude. Omarosa just came out. She is a such a skank. I am not looking forward to when it comes time for him to go to school. You see his mom lives 2 hours away and I am sure there will be a fight for custody once the time comes to see where he will go to school. It really is hard to type this while staying up with the TV show and when I glance over I can see the girlfriends monitor and she is still watching porn. But I know the fight for custody is probably going to be ugly and nasty. The person that is going to suffer the most is The Dude. I love my son and I work hard to try to be a good dad. Some days are better than others and I am sure every parent feels that way.

OK something else that pisses me off just showed up on the screen. The Movie Stop Loss is a fucking joke. I was in the Military and when you go into the military you acknowledge that even after service there is a period of time that you can be recalled to duty. So a movie about a guy fighting it is a movie about a fucking douche bag. I had this scare myself. I thought about what my options were. Then I realized the military had been upfront with me about this possibility. So when I hear some one challenge a commitment they made of their own free will I call that bastard a douche bag, I would even call him a worthless sack of flesh. End of discussion.

So I am a prick, sue me. I am also a ball of nerves I have a second interview tomorrow around 12:30pm. The owner that I had my interview with yesterday says I should enjoy talking with him. I am guessing he also is a football fan. That was about half my interview. We talked about the draft and this blog and hulu.com and how I single handedly brought Greg's office to a stand still with it's discovery.

Did I mention my girlfriend has good taste in porn. It is making it difficult to write this post. My eyes keep wondering up. Damn I am dedicated to writing this. I think I may be too dedicated. Well you kids have a great weekend I am going to go do some stuff.

"Southland Tales" Brilliant!

After I watched Donnie Darko, the second time, I wondered what would happen if a studio gave Richard Kelly a butt load of money. I got my answer. He made one of the most brilliant films I have seen in years. I purposefully did not look at this movie too hard before seeing it. I just saw Richard Kelly's name and knew it was a must see. For the first half hour or so of this movie I had to repeatedly hit the pause button as I was surprised by the cast of characters I was seeing. Dwayne "he is no longer the Rock" Johnson, Sean Willaim "holy cow he can actually act" Scott, Sarah Michelle "Oh my god she was actually good" Gellar, Justin "what do mean he can act" Timberlake, Will Sasso, Amy Poehler, Cheri Oteri, Christopher "Will Always be the Highlander" Lambert and just to make you say "What in the blue hell" John Lovitz and also John "What the hell happened to him" Laroquette " and of course Nora Dunn. There are a couple others that will shock you as well. The entire cast was brilliant with their parts. After watching the movie I of course watched the special features.

Kelly says he intended the movie to be satirical and funny. He wanted to show an alterante time line to what we know and at the same time show us where we are heading. the rest of the cast looked read the script and had no idea what the movie was about. Curtis "please quit calling me Booger" Armstrong tells a great story about it. He says " i got a call from my agent who was on the border of losing her mind after reading the script so I really wanted to read it. I read it and thought is good. I didn't understand it at all but I knew it was good."

This is one of those movies you may have to watch more than once to get but it is well worth every second. I bought it and I would recommend it to anyone.

Job Interview Part 2

Well I had the interview and for the first half of it we were talking about the NFL draft. then we talked about this blog. Then we talked about briinging Greg's office to a stand still because of hulu.com. We got around to talk about the job for about twenty minutes and it was more of him trying to see if I would fit personality wise . he did not seem to concerned about my qualifications. Apparently I sent him the right resume. Oh and he happened to be the owner. So it's his call. He still wants me to fill out a personality profile and then have a second interview to see if the other guy thinks I am OK. I am not going to say I got it until I get it. For all I know the next applicant had season tickets to the 49ers.

I have been thinking all day I am not sure but if I don't get this job I think it will be only the second time I have ever had an interview and did not get the job. The first one though I have a feeling my ex-father in law had something to do with since he knew the guy and hated my guts. Well I guess I will find out. But yes the days of being a house bitch are coming to an end. Unless some one wants to give me a bunch a money. Didn't think so.

Job Interviews

I picked this topic because I just happen to have one today. That's right I am revoking my house bitch status and going to back to work. So let's think about interviews. An interview is a chance to sell yourself but you don't want to go over the top. I will update this after the interview today. In the mean time fee free to add your best and or worst interview moments. Have fun while you are at it.

Now for Something Completely Different

I rip on people at times and my favorite target seems to be the professional blogger. However I am a hypocrite to a certain degree as I have one blog I like to read that may fall into that category. This lady writes better than most of the copycats and throws in some original content and puts a great spin on some things. I have come to respect her for what she does. I know me saying that I respect some one is a bit of an oxymoron but this is my show and I am taking along for the ride through the insane upside down world that is my mind.

Anyway enough about me. Mirjam at Me Myself and I has tagged me and now I am supposed to tag 5 people and and put together my own little ABC list of blogs and ask those I tag to do the same. I am going to do it. I have mixed feelings about it though. I think it is a decent idea but I hate being told what to do. Forever the rebel, yep that's me. So I am going to do the ABC but I am not going to tag anyone. If you read this and want to give it a whirl yourself then by all means go for it. It is going to be a challenge enough for me to fill the ABC list and could take all day. I was going to do this yesterday but got way too busy running errands and had friends dropping in and out all day. So here goes something.

I had to do some searching to fill this out but first person that can correctly guess all the blogs on this list I actually read will receive a golden cookie. If you are that bored try figuring out How many posts I have put up on this site and on my Norcal Blogs site that are the same post. 5 cookies to any one that has that much free time on their hands and figures it out. So I cheat now and then , sue me.

A. Aparna's Blog
B. Babeled
C. Crissy
D. DICKSTANKE.COM
E. eHow
F. F*cking C*nts
G. Geek Mom Mashup
H. H and M
I. I am Bored
J. The J-Walk Blog
K. k-punk
L. Live and let DI
M. Me Myself and I
N. Norcal Blogs
O. Off the Kuff
P. Passive Aggressive Notes
Q. Quietly Insane
R. Rusty Lime
S. Secret Confessions of a Horny Housewife
T. think
U. Under the Radar - Home
V. Violent Acres
W. Wheel is turning but the Hamster is Dead
X. Xenu Day International!
Y. Y! Live Blog
Z. Z + Partners - Weblog

My apologies to Mirjam for not following the rules but I am a rule breaker. I did have fun with this though. I have found a couple of these I may just start reading. Obviously I have more free time on my hands than any man should. Oh and not everything I read is on my blog roll but it is a good place to start.

My Political Agenda

I invite my readers to leave comments. I love the comments I get and I actually look for comments that are contrary to what I have presented. The more time some one takes to create their comments the more of an obligation as a blogger I feel to publish their comments. I guess not everyone is as open minded as I am. I wrote this originally as a comment on similarly titled article and this morning saw that my comments went unpublished. I am restraining from saying what I really think as to keep from acting petty. However I will publish my comments as an article. If you disagree feel free to put together your own political party ideas and I guarantee I will publish any comments anyone leaves. You can read the original article here.

I don't think I would need two lists just one.

Bill of rights covers equality for all. End to special programs for minorities, gays and women because everyone would be equal. It is these programs that give discrimination new life everyday that some one receives special treatment because they fall under some protected group. There should be only one protected group I call them American citizens.

Forget socialized medicine and go back to practicing real medicine. The cost for medical school would be dropped significantly but I would make it harder to pass the courses so that only the truly best and brightest would become physicians. You fail you are out no make ups or do overs.

Income taxes would be a thing of the past because the tax is illegal anyway. If you want to argue that point then by all means show me the law then we will talk.

States would have control to govern them selves while the federal government there merely to protect liberties granted under the constitution.

All drugs would be legal and anyone over 18 could buy whatever they wanted. However driving under the influence of any drug or alcohol would result in loss of license for 1 year first offense. It is not the governments responsibility to keep you from hurting yourself it is your responsibility. See theory of evolution, survival of the fittest.

At 18 the government recognizes you as an adult and society will expect you to act accordingly. You may drink at 18. If you can die for your country at 18 then have a beer while you are at it.

There would be no superseding federal law unless it applied directly to the constitution. Again states are responsible for governing themselves.

Borders would be locked down and anyone found here illegally would be immediately deported regardless of their situation.

I would urge states to adopt a zero aid to addicts. The rest of the state did not make you an addict so why should they pay to clean you up.

Conviction and imprisonment removes your rights protected under the constitution and you be part of the new federal chain gang. Oh and no such thing as white collar crime. All crime does the same time.

No foreign military outposts.

Patents on alternative fuels and designs for other than gas engines would be null and void and accessible to the public. Copyright law lasts 1 year in all cases then it becomes public domain.

If a state does not want separation of church and state and you don’t like it, then move to a state where they have decided to separate the two. If the majority voted it then you live with it. Same goes for death penalty.

Government raises for elected officials would have to be voted on by the people not the politicians.

The only federal taxes would be excise taxes on all products not made in the USA. If you are US company that manufactures overseas then you pay the tax. The tax would be proportioned to the number of jobs that your overseas manufacturing cost the US citizens. Roughly $200,000 per job that could be done by an American. That’s right for every 5 jobs you ship overseas you are taxed $1 million.

No electoral college. Not needed.

No media reporting of election results until the next day. Violators can join the Chain gang.

Federal Reserve would be gone. Since our gold has been sold we would have to move to a silver standard.

The US military would receive a 10% cost of living adjustment per year.

I am sure I could go on and on but really I already have.

Weekly Blog Storming

For first time readers Blog Storming is brainstorming for blogging. I basically let my ADD write the post. You never what random thing I am going to throw out next. Yes, I expect you to question my sanity long before you make it the end.

Well let's see what we have for this week. I recently have been collaborating on a post with Sy at The Wheel is Turning but the Hamster is Dead. It is a satirical piece about those who make up the blogosphere. We have been going back an forth describing a what a convention of bloggers would look like. It all started from comments we were throwing back and forth at each other here.

Let's see what else is happening in my bizarre little world. I started playing Hellgate London: 2038 on my new computer and I must say I love the game. I may disappear for few days here and there and now you now why.

Speaking of Now You Know, did you know that is the title of the movie made by Jeff Anderson. I see some of you looking at your monitors saying "who?" You may know him better as Randall from Clerks and Clerks 2. Now you Know follows our main character as he comes back from his bachelor party not being able to tell anyone that the engagement is actually off. He catches up with some friends that like to break into a guys house and just move stuff around to make the guy think his house is haunted. All while his now ex is hanging out with her best friend at a lesbian bar getting love life advice. Quirky little flick but not bad for a first film. Now for something completely different.

I saw this guy on the street, I mean he was literally laying down in the middle of the street. I asked why and he said "I love this street. It is my home. I want it to be a part of me always."

Naturally I replied "What the fuck?" Then I moved on as I realized he was another damn hallucination. I really need to see some sort of Dr about these hallucinations. The only reason I have been putting it off is because I like most the hallucinations. Knowing it is a hallucination allows me to see where I can take it when I actively try to make it as weird as possible. You know like in stead of seeing bunny rabbits trying to eat my face I give the bunnies wings and make them fly in formations and dive bomb pigeons who have now lost their wings. I know. I am very sick man in need of much help. But then again remember this is all the shit I make up just to see if any one forgets I am making this up as I go along.

So here is a funny thought. My girlfriend has decided first thing in the morning is when she should blast Cat Stevens. Now keep in mind when I sat down in my recliner to start checking email I had not yet even taken a sip of my coffee. Now if you listen to Tenacious D at all then you hear Cat for the first time in years and you have had 4 hours of sleep and no coffee you might think it Cat Stevens and Jack Black sound alike. I did. I got laughed at. Happens a lot.

In other news. I find that bloggers that write local area blogs should have no sense of humor. Wait I write for a local blog. But I have a sense of humor. But local blog writers have no sense of humor but I have a sense of humor. OK so I watched a little too much Star Trek. Really can you ever watch too much Star Trek, I think not. wait I do think, I just don't think that you could ever watch too much Star trek. Yes that was on purpose. Sad isn't it.

This just in. Creating a process in which to extract such glories from a simple bean makes coffee mans single greatest accomplishment. Don't challenge it, just accept it.

I'll be right back I need to freshen up my coffee. Fell free to look around while you wait. Your patience is appreciated.

Sorry I had to make a cigarette too. Then I thought about taking shit for smoking and I went and changed shirts. The shirt I am currently wearing says "I smoke , So Fuck Off." Really it's not like I don't know it's bad for me I am just addicted. Before anyone says anything about quitting remember the golden rule. I smoke to keep from killing the people in the world that piss me off daily. So I am saving lives here. Back off.

Maybe I should have smoked before writing that last part.

I once told my stepdaughters that mommy went to the moon on a dragon to get moon cheese for them. I told them this so that my ex-wife could take shower with out them. While my clever ploy worked she was not amused when the girls asked where the cheese was.

I think today would be a good for ___________. Fill in the blank and think of something fun you are going to promise yourself you are going to do today. Then hold yourself accountable. If you fail in your mission send yourself to bed without dinner.

I left a comment on an article here that urned into it's own article here. I love the people at Rusty Lime.

Click here for a funny article by Greg Molyneux. If you read the comments you see a song I told him to listen to before heading off to Germany. I am not going to tell you the song because then you not read Greg's post. Listen to the lyrics and you will realize just how funny it is.

With that I hope you have a kick Ass Friday.

Vista Virgin

I got my brand new computer yesterday. I bough an HP. I am not a MAC a user. Vista is not Windows, it's MAC.

So Wednesday night I was like a kid the night before Christmas. I did not go to sleep until around 4 because I was so excited. Of course The Dude did not care that daddy had only 2-3 hours of sleep and coffee was not having it's normal effect. Around 12:30-1pm I saw the Fed Ex truck and reverted to being 8 years old. I began the process of pulling everything out of the boxes and systematically setting up the monitor, speakers, and tower. Then I turned it on.

Here is where things get interesting. I had also ordered the transfer cable because I had a lot of stuff on my old machine that I wanted to keep. So here I am on the floor in the living room with my new computer humming along while I am trying to get the old computer configured for the transfer. What I did not realize is that I was going to need the internet on both machines for little bit as I figured out how to transfer my Firefox bookmarks and passwords. I ended up using Google Browser Sync and it worked flawlessly. Now I was on the ground on all fours unplugging my Ethernet cable from one computer and plugging it in to the new one. Now keep in mind that every five minute I have Eddie (girlfriends 8 yr old daughter) and The Dude coming in the room to tell on each other. Things like this make me think that if you only have one you are not a real parent but that's another post. Where was my girlfriend? Being that she is smarter than me, she hid out in the bedroom reading knowing I was involved in this project and nothing would go smooth. I spent about 2 hours setting up the transfer yelling at kids, making dinner and being accosted by Uma (the dog) and Dartanian the cat.

OK so everything is transfered and I am ready to go right? Wrong. I sat down in my recliner and put the keyboard in my lap, grabbed the keyboard and began searching for my treasured files. First the start button is gone. Replaced by this little windows symbol. I click and I get this thing that kind of looks nothing like Windows. So I figure I would go to My Computer and look. My Computer is gone. You have to go through the start menu and click computer. Then the window looks nothing like the Windows Explorer window I have know and love. Hunting stuff down in Vista is an adventure of Indiana Jones proportions. It sure as hell looks pretty though, especially with the LCD flat screen monitor. Greg you were right about that. There seems to be a lot of extra stuff on here, more than what you have with Windows. If you want to tweak something or check your network connection you have to click about 4 times instead of just clicking the icon in the tray.

I have come to the conclusion that I have to take everything I know about PC's and flush it down the toilet. it's like learning how to use a computer all over again. I am sure I will comaplin about it from time to time. I am off to take the wookie Drewbacca to work (one of my friends, if you saw him you would under stand why we call him Drewbacca). Drewbacca is a wookie and lives at Jeffs's house. Jeff's house is now the Millennium Falcon and Jeff is Jeffe Solo (pronounced Heffay). This does not make sense. Not even in my warped little mind. Have fun kids.

Something I am not

In the last couple months I have come to realize a few things in this experiment of blogging. I am a not a serious blogger. I am a sarcastic man who occasionally likes to be serious. I am polite with the world for the most part in one on one interactions but when I have the stage I like to poke fun. I am arrogant, insulting and sarcastic to the core. I like to have fun and have a hard time taking things seriously.

I have discovered it is quite nice to have this little space to play. I can write about whatever I want and sometimes people read it and on occasion they find it entertaining or useful. There are even occasions they like to leave comments. Those are the people I like the most. I am a comment whore through and through. I can't deny it. I tried for a while but I find myself checking for comments on 3 of my blogs just to see if some one had something to say. I like to engage in conversation with my readers. I like to read their stuff too.

There are those out there in the blogosphere that take this seriously and wish to make a buck. However I am not one of those. I am just a guy with random thoughts and poor impulse control. there are few blogs that are serious that I actually enjoy. There are many blogs that are irreverent that I absolutely adore.

For those of you that come here frequently to see what this mad man is rambling about now, I say thank you. To those that leave comments, I say you are the reason I do this. To those that have mentioned me in their own blogs, you have my sincerest thanks. To the rest of I say "get with the program this is not a spectators sport."

Sarcasm on the side

I encourage you to read this article

Resumes Are Dead. Your Blog is Your Resume. (Still).

I am not sure if my comments survived moderation but here they are just in case. Yes I know I am a D***. Read and enjoy.

1. Jim - Just a Guy | March 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm Your comment is awaiting moderation.
   

   […] by smoothspan on March 18, 2008 Interesting flurry of blog posts about how blogs make better resumes than resumes. If you think so, you should certainly consider […]

   That was funny for so many reasons.

   Some of us do need resumes because if we sent an employer a link or list of links or a file of articles they likely to throw it in the round file.

   “Well, if you google me up, you can see about 4 years of active bloggin/forum ”

   Sounds like Google is your resume.

   “Social networking is for “kids with cute kitty pictures”.
   Blogs are for angsty teenagers. Everyone knows that.”

   I wish I was everybody then I could 20 years off my age and be full of angst and I could put up my cute kitty pictures. I guess the new slogan is More angst more kitties hey I always want to be a Social Blogging Kid. think Toys R Us for those that missed the joke.

   […] the network aren’t credible, then you won’t get anything out of it. To me, LinkedIn is the most credible social network on the planet right now because it contains profiles of Fortune 500 executives and […]

   Wait you mean the people that people spend so much time kissing up to are not actually that important? How ever could that be? My self worth lies in my social networks more so than the people I have actually met face to face.

   Well that was a fun little exercise in improv writing and I think I may post this comment as my next article. Of course I will preface it and put in a link to this article.

Off the Cuff

There a great many things that I find upsetting and instead of waiting until Friday to add it into my Blog Storming piece, I am going to touch on them today. That and I am getting a new computer Thursday and expect to be tweaking it for a couple days so I may not post anything new until this weekend. Away we go.

I read an older article today about Arizona passing a law making it illegal to employ illegal immigrants and that if you caught employing illegal immigrants you lose your business license. This is causing illegals to flee the state for other states or going home. I love this. I really do. How many jobs have been lost in the US this year. I heard the number is somewhere around 100,00 or more. I have read numerous articles each with a different number and rather than post incorrect information I am giving you my best guess based on what is out there. I am currently looking for work. I have been for about month. I can't find anything. I am an American citizen that obeys the law. I have a real problem with some one breaking the law and having a job as a result. Let's keep in mind we are talking about illegal immigrants. I have zero issue with anyone coming here legally to work. I would support any country that said if you come here illegally expect to be sent home. Regardless of the situation the law is the law. There are some laws I don't like but I follow them because there are consequences to not following them. To think that the law does not apply to me because I think it is unfair or that I think it should not apply because of my special situation would selfish. Feel free to to disagree with me and as always I ask that if you do disagree please present a thought out argument instead of hurling insults. You never know you might change my mind. Next.

The biggest part of our employment problem is not illegal immigrants, it is the common practice of shipping jobs overseas. Each year more companies ship more jobs overseas leaving Americans without jobs. I hate this practice with every fiber of my being. Any comapny that ships jobs over seas should be charges a tax that is equivalent to the total compensation for that position. When I say total compensation I mean not just salary but also benefits and vacation. The same they present total compensation the employee to make them feel better about a piddly raise. This is what is really killing our job market. You add that in with jobs going to illegals and it is a combination that spells doom for Americans. Now for something completely different.

I noticed last night that the Myspace blog for the Boondock Saints has removed the video of Troy Duffy announcing that the sequel will start filming this summer. The thing is gone like it never existed. I sent them an email to see if I could find out what's going on and I will let you know as soon as I hear something.

Crazy, I was crazy once then they put me in a home. I died there . Then the worms came. I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy, I was crazy once then they put me in a home. I died there . Then the worms came. I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy, I was crazy once then they put me in a home. I died there . Then the worms came. I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy, I was crazy once then they put me in a home. I died there . Then the worms came. I hate worms, they make me crazy.

OK I feel better now.

I actually have a phone interview today to an office manager for Spherion managing their recruiting/temp agency office here in town. Could be interesting. I will let you know how it turns out.

Then there is The Dude. My son is an endless source of entertainment. Especially when he is playing with Uma my half chihuahua half queens land heeler. Yes that is here in the picture with me asleep in my chair. The chair i am sitting in right now with Uma next to me. She has a rope toy and he likes to grab it and drag her across the carpet where she has grip and can fight him. But soon he gets her to the linoleum kitchen floor where she has no grip and he slides her around the kitchen. They do this for about 30 minutes at a time and is absolutely hilarious watching Uma fight with everything she has at the edge of the carpet knowing she is about to go for a ride. Kids and pets, all the free entertainment you could want.

I spend quite a bit of time on Babeled and recently I have noticed the absence of of one of there contributors on the site. Just struck me as curious. You may want to check out Greg's article on Super Smash Brawl.

In other news. I am getting my pretty new computer tomorrow and I can't wait to play Hellgat London, 2038. It's the first offering from the creative team at Flagship Studios. These are the guys that designed the master pieces know as Diablo and Diablo 2 but left Blizzard after being turned down for greatly deserved raises.

Unfortunately I was forced to get Windows Vista with the new machine. Since they had $100 off on the upgrade I got Vista Ultimate 64 bit. Anyone with any experience that can tell me what is going to tick me off please leave comments or contact me through my profile. I am sure I will spend the first 2 days on every message board I can find that has tips and tricks for Vista.

Bruce Campbell is my hero. Other heroes include Captain James Tiberius Kirk, my grandfather, Terry Brooks, Sean Connery, Robin Williams and Lewis Black. Not that you care but I am the writing this. So there. Childish? Definitely.

Until the next time do something you find interesting and see how much fun you can have with it.

Troy Duffy announces Boondock Saints 2 to start shooting this summer.

Any fan of the Boondock Saints just screamed in excitement. How fitting that he makes this announcement on St. Patrick's Day. See his video announcement here.

If you have no idea what I am talking about then I suggest watching this movie immediately. This is easily one of my all time favorite movies and has a cult following that rivals any other movie. yes, even Rocky Horror.

St. Patrick's Day TheCollege Way

I love in a college town. As a matter of fact when it comes to partying I live in one of the top college towns. Chico State University has a long history of partying. St. Patrick's day in Chico usually begins at 6 am when the bars are open.

This year I though since I have this little blog to write I would go down to the bars and see what I could dig up from the college kids.

Bar - The Town Lounge (AKA The Scrounge)
The Scrounge is usually the last bar you want to go to. Forget about using the restroom as the smell alone could make a sober person throw up. While in there this morning I decided to talk to a couple people and see what their plans were for the day.

Name: Tom
Age: 21
Plans for the Day: "You're looking at it. I got up at 5 this morning and had a big breakfast at Jacks (mom and Pop version of Denny's) and now I am going to drink green beer and Guiness all day. I may get some corn beef and cabbage later but it all depends on how drunk I get between now and noon."

Remember these kids are our future.

Name: Tina
Age: 22
Plans for the Day: "Oh I am totally going to be drinking all day. My friends and I are going to drinking contest at one of the frat houses here in a few."

"They have a drinking contest planned for 7am?"

"Yeah, and Sheila over there is going to enter. She can drink any guy under the table."

Name: Jake
Age: 82
Plans for the Day: "Well I am planning on watching these stupid kids get so drunk they fall down and throw up on each other."

"Will you be drinking?"

"I will be sipping my whiskey all day long. I have a corn beef sandwich that will be delivered to the bar around noon from my son. Then I will see how many girls butts I can pinch before I get slapped."

"You mean not all of them slap you?"

"Most of them want to when they turn around but when see that I am little old guy they kind of giggle and walk off."

I can't wait to get old. Well that's it for this morning. Time to go watch Boondock Saints and listen to some more Flogging Molly. Have fun out there.

Probably the funniest thing I have ever read.

The West Virginia Blogger has a post from March 12th that had me crying I was laughing so hard. If you need a good laugh click here.

Weekly Blog Storm

Well I have decided to make Blog Storming weekly Friday night thing. It is a lot of fun for me and seems to be entertaining for you. So with out further ado away we go.

Hey it's 8 pm on a Friday night here in Chico California. Right now that new Parker Posey show is on. I love her. She's funny and kind of sexy too. Next.

I had thought once but it ran away. I wish it would come back.

In other news. Something happened somewhere and some people were mad others were happy. I have done further research and found that those that were happy were also heavily medicated. After interviewing the angry people we have found that were angry because they not asked before those people did that thing.

If your now lost don't worry there is not test afterwards.

Why do children always look at the other parent when one asks them to do something?

So I was informed that my article on hulu.com nearly brought an office to a stand still. I have never been so proud of myself. Greg, the man whose office I nearly brought down said I should give myself a cookie. Which reminded me to update the cookie list. I will do that after I am done with this.

I stopped to think once but forgot to start again.

I can't wait to see if Tanya Andersen got her lawsuit filed against the RIAA. If so then a lot about their tactics will come to light and who knows they themselves may face criminal charges. check out the article here.

OK so the Parker Posey show is funny. It's the perfect part for her. Snobby and neurotic.

I thought about writing a book about religion. I would spend the next year or so developing relationships with people from several different faiths and I would tell their story of how they came to the spiritual choice. Each chapter would be a different person telling me their story. I have been toying with it a while but had 3 hours in a car by myself today with no radio to think about it. It got a lot of thought. Now for something completely different. Yes that line will appear weekly because I am a huge Monty Python fan.

So I have been looking for work the last month. I have put out around 40-50 resumes and have yet to receive a call. I did receive one email telling me I was not qualified to work a medical back office after spending 5 years working for 2 insurance companies as a manager.

I blame my smoking on my dad but not because he smoked. You see as a youth I got in a lot of trouble. Every time I got in trouble my dad would spend 1 1/2 - 2 hours lecturing me before I got my spanking or once I reached a certain age a touch of reality. What is a touch of reality you ask. that is one smack up side the head to remove my head from my ass. Looking back I can honestly say It was a great better deterrent than grounding. I could always sneak out. the physical punishment actually made me fear getting caught. Of course instead of behaving better I just got better at not getting caught. Anyway, while I was getting the lecture my dad would light a cigarette and and never take a drag. It would burn all the way down and he would light another. He had to have the cigarette in his hand to talk. He would wave it around making as he talked and as I tuned him out. I had mastered the ability to interject the following phrases perfectly into the lecture where I should with out ever actually paying attention.

"Yes dad"

"No dad"

"You are right dad"

"I know dad."

Now during these lectures about half way through I had to fight the urge to scream "Damn it man would you shut up and hit me already!"

I can't be sure but I am fairly certain had I ever done this I would have woke up sometime later, maybe in a hospital with a nurse telling me I had taken a bad fall. Oh come on it's funny and you know it. Anyway I attribute these little lectures to my smoking.

Well now I am off to watch House. I love that sarcastic Dr. Have a great weekend kids see you on Monday which is St Patrick's Day remember to wear green and drink some green beer and eat some corn beef and cabbage. Oh did you know in Ireland it's not that big of a deal. They actually credit him not for chasing snakes off but chasing off the Druids who used the snake predominately in their symbols. So yeah he is the guy you can credit with the end of the Druids who we still really don't anything about. Still think we should celebrate him?

How do I get some one to let me guest blog on their site?

No seriously I want to know. I come across so many blogs that suggest writing a guest article on some one else's site. Question?

Wouldn't it be a little presumptuous to ask some one to let me write an article for them?

They say to find a site with similar content. If you have read half of my stuff you would realize my content is all over the place. I write about everything and anything. If you have a niche site wouldn't you shy away from having some one like me write an article or would my ability to write on such a wide variety of topics make me more desirable as a guest writer? Maybe I can write the article for you that just can;t seem to write yourself.

I will be the first to say that my writing as a blogger can be looked down upon but hey this is what I do to keep my mind sharp, well and have a little fun. Then again if you check out the articles I write for The Rusty Lime you find that I probably take a little more time and make sure the articles are better because I am writing as a constant contributor for some one else's site. Not to mention that the site is based in Australia and has contributors from around the world as well as readers from across the globe. So I have to write stuff that is going to have a broad interest. Then there is what I do over at NorCal Blogs, which is a local site aimed at the goings on of Northern California. There I have to be more discerning as I am writing for a specific audience. Lastly you have the stuff I write here. This site is my experimental playground. The only rules are my own and I have to find new different ways to enforce rules upon myself.

So here I am trying to establish my own brand of ADD, I don't know what is coming next style of writing and I am supposed to take that and find some one to let me write a guest spot on their blog. For some reason I just don't see a lot of invites coming my way.

Get ready for my weekend post which will probably be something like the Blog Storming article. I think that is going to be a weekly special since really it is the most creative and the most fun to write. Have fun kids.

Hillary Clinton Campaign Shenannigans

I can't even begin to adequately detail how a Hillary supporter had $3000 in unauthorized charges from Hillary's campaign. Read this story

A Tinderbox Waiting to Happen

by: KathyCallahan

Sun Mar 09, 2008 at 11:52:59 AM EDT

A step in the right direction

I check out filesharing news daily and today I came across this article that both ticked me off and gave me pleasant surprise. NBC has joined with several other big names to provide legal movie and TV shows to watch for free. What is this little experiment" Hulu.com. I spent some time checking it out and while they have not loaded all the complete seasons for a lot of the shows, I do see a good beginning and would actually like to see something like this succeed. I am actually watching The Riches right now. I even found the first season of WKRP, the move The Usual Suspects and my favorite skit of all time, Homey the Clown.

I see this a step in the right direction to curb piracy. Piracy will never go away. It has been around since we figured out how to record music and video. It will still be around long after we are gone. However I do like the idea of the big boys starting to put the content out themselves and doing it for free. Granted you still have to put up with some commercials but it really is a small price to pay. They make their money off the commercials to fund the site so we can watch for free. I signed up and I am looking forward to spending some time watching some of my old favorites like the original Addams Family.

Again the site really is not complete with all episodes but like I said it is a good start and I will actually support this to help keep the law suits down and keep pressure off ISP's to invade our privacy by analyzing every packet that travels on their service which is what some people are calling for. They insist it is the ISP's responsibility to monitor for illegal downlaods. Even though there are many legal downloads available through the torrent system it is widely pushed as fact that most Bit Torrent traffic is pirated content moving through the wonderful web. I am not in favor of having any ISP moitoring mine or anyone elses traffic. We have right to privacy and if the big boys are going to play ball and invest in sites like this then I am willing to meet them halfway.

Where Did This Picture Come From?

My girlfriend and I were talking after she she stumbled across this picture yet again. This led to a mad dash Google search by both of us. We searched using "Vader Britta." I found the name of the photo "Darth Vader tries to clean the Black Sea with Britta Filter."

On page 2 I found this blog which talks about an art show the writer went to that featured this photo. As it turns out this was a performance art piece by Daniel Bozhkov. It's even the first thing you see on his site which can be found here.

So now you know and knowing is half the battle, G.I. JOOOOE!

Looking Around

If you check out the list of blogs to the right you will find some interesting stuff. One thing I like to do is click on the links of those leaving comments. I do this simply to see who and what else is out there. I encourage you to check out all the links to the right and then check out what some of the people that leave comments have to say. Great way to find a little something extra.

Net Neutrality Makes For Strange Bedfellows

I am not real sure how this is effecting the rest of the world but I would think it would create concern the world over if the US gives up on Net Neutrality. What is Net Neutrality? Here is the first paragraph from Wikipedia.

Network neutrality (equivalently net neutrality, Internet neutrality or simply NN) refers to a principle that is applied to residential broadband networks, and potentially to all networks. Precise definitions vary, but a broadband network free of restrictions on the kinds of equipment that may be attached, on the modes of communication allowed, that does not restrict content, sites, or platforms and where communication is not unreasonably degraded by other communication streams would be considered neutral by most observers.

What does this have to do with strange bedfellows?

Believe it or not but Pearl Jam, The Christian Coalition, NARAL (National Abortion Rights Action League), OK Go and the ACLU join together in Washington to discuss net neutrality with the House Judiciary Committee's Antitrust Taskforce. I am not sure how this issue is being viewed oin other countries but here I see it as a major juncture for free speech and idea sharing on the web. I hate to say this but in these kinds of matters as the US goes, so goes the world. If we can get away with it anyone can. So if the internet is turned into in a place where only certain companies get the full benefit of the net then it becomes no better than the boob tube sitting in your house with some one else choosing what content you have access to. Maybe that is overstating what may lay ahead but not by much. Can you say 1984, I knew you could.

I almost forgot the article can be found here.

Not Safe For Work

I kept coming across this NSFW and had no idea what it meant. When I learned that it stood for Not Safe For Work, well let's just say things got loud for a bit. Let us not forget that if you are at work you probably shouldn't even be on the DAMN INTERNET!

Seriously, why should I sit at home on a Sunday surfing and have to put up this shit. From what I understand this originated in forums warning people of sexually explicit material or audio containing profanity. That is straight from Wikipedia. Ok so this started in forums, this means you were at work on forums. How is this by itself not A DAMN CLUE THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE THERE ANY DAMN WAY YOU DOLT! You probably already signed the piece of paper that says not to be playing on the internet with company property, and yes I know we all do it anyway, so you are already fired if they catch you at whatever your are doing so who in blue hell cares if sexually explicit or not you damn idiot. This is one of the dumber things I have ever heard of and I shall not tolerate it. From now on anytime I see NSFW on any site I will go out of my way to tell site owner why he/she is an idiot. Really you don't wan to get into this one with me. I am amazed I have not used F*** several hundred times already.

Don't give me the common courtesy argument. Your are already where you are not supposed to be so no additional warnings are not necessary. Any one that uses NSFW on their site is a blatant douche bag and this whole thing is a travesty, a sham, a mockery and dare I say it a traveshamockery. I know me. I could go on ranting about this for hours on end. Instead I leave you with these parting words of advice. If you don't want to get fired then simply follow company policy. You are adults and should be able to act accordingly while at work. That's what they F***ing pay you for.

Why we need a Band movie

I spent a lot of time thinking about this one. The original idea came from Jack Gamble who is a contributor for Babeled. I like the site and stop by daily, They are some interesting cats. Jack has the option of writing a guest article on here in the future and I am looking forward to reading the article.

I thought about this and decided if I was going to make this movie I would have to a lot of prep work. First I would have to do a lot of research on a lot of bands. I would need to listen to their music, talk to their fans, and try to talk to the band. The music would have to be good. It would have to be something a lot of people could get into. Would have to find a band with a large area following with die hard fans that are convinced all you need to do is see this band live once to become a fan. They band themselves would have to be interesting. They would need to have some Spinal Tap like stories to tell.

Once I picked the band and spent a year with them I would write the script. In the script would use nothing but actual events from both the bands perspective and the fans. Casting would have to be done with unknowns. No cameos except from the band. Shooting would all be done on location at the venues where the band actually has regular gigs. We would shoot in their homes, in their cars, in all the places they live their lives. I am not making just a movie but an authentic representation of what it is really like.

The soundtrack would be nothing but the bands music. The performances in the movie would be the actors lip syncing to the bands songs. I would even have them write the score. The DVD would have hours upon hours of the band telling me their stories, talking to their fans, concert footage, the whole kit and caboodle.

Why do we need this movie you ask?

Can you think of any other way to shut American Idol fans up?

I do actually have a band in mind. Floater, check them out.

Blog Storming

Part 2

Be warned I have no idea what this is going to be about but I am fairly certain at some point you may ask if I am on LSD. With that out of the way let us see what happens.

So here I sit brainstorming my blog or blog storming. What is blog storming well the first image that comes to mind is that of a large dark cloud with random blogs pages falling from the sky. I warned you. This may get weird.

Ok so what to write. Hmm... I like cheese.

Speaking of salsa where is my hamster.

I have lost me if you find me please return me because I miss me.


Then I went on to see that every time I hit stumble and it pops something from the topic weblogs, it is a blog tips blog. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK STICKS IS GOING ON! Then I read an article saying 90% of new blogs fail. Do you see a link? I knew you could. If every one is writing about how to make money blogging and how to be a better blogger and the people reading it is other bloggers that are writing the same shit, then how the hell do you expect to set yourself apart.

Then I got up and got a smoke. I will be right back. For the IM afflicted BRB.

Where was I? oh yes I was blog storming. Trying to figure out what to write. So then I hit the stumble button again and now I see one of those silly user made de-motivational posters. If you don't know what I mean scroll to the bottom of the page. Don't worry I will wait. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and we continue. If you needed longer than that just wait til after I finish. Please.

Wait you have a little more time while I search the vast resources of my mind to find another topic. Wait no you don't, I found something. Is it weird for your ex-wife to hug your girlfriend the first time she meets her? I only ask cause it happened. My ex-wife is the same woman that tried to hook me up with a friend of hers for a booty call. She wants to double date with us. The only reason I even talk to her is because of the Dude (AKA my son, you know the cute kid kid in the picture of me on the right).

I was thinking last night about something some one left on a comment for the "Time?" article I wrote. I put it on 2 other sites. Some one presented the idea that time is physical. Interesting idea. If time is physical then it can be manipulated. Imagine time in your hands like a ball of silly puddy. What would you make? I think I would make a snowman. Ok a puddy man, a time puddy man that traveled back and forth through time buying stocks and getting rich until he he came the owner of Microsoft, Apple, IBM and the Federal Reserve. It is a private bank after all. He would be the ruler of the free world going back in time to kill the parents of all that might oppose him. Since he could travel in the future he could snuff you out before you even knew you were going to oppose him. Wrap your head around that while I come up with something else.

What was that?

No, not right now. I am sorry the voices are running rampant right now. I like the voices. They are my friends. I am never really alone with them around. Now for something completely different.

The funny thing about all this is you really have no idea how many topics I skipped while writing this dribble. In case you did not notice from the warning at the beginning this is all done on purpose. Kind of scary isn't it.

I have a choice in front me, do I continue making you doubt my sanity or do I find something of substance?

While I contemplate that I wanted to let you know I saw 3:10 To Yuma the other night and it was incredible. It was funny to watch a guy from down under and a Welsh guy portray characters from the old west.

I came across a picture of a flaming shot and it reminded of a story from my Air Force days. I was 18 and stuck in Biloxi Mississippi for training. Me and a couple friends went to go out drinking. We started the night at Burger King. We ate then played on the playground until we go kicked out for throwing the plastic balls from the ball pool at each other and playing war in the playground. Mind you we were still sober at this point. Next stop, Toys R Us. We threw footballs down the aisles, over the aisles, bounced on the bouncy ball animals and still no one came to talk to us. We stepped it up a notch and started riding scooters around the store. What can I say cramming 2 years of advanced electronic theory into some ones brain in less than six months can have some adverse effects. We finally make it to the bar. The Tropical Daiquiri. There were 2 women behind the bar and we were the only 5 customers they had. So after a few daiquiris and a couple shots the bar tenders start offering me free shots just to see what I will and what I won't drink. So after another couple daiquiris and 6-10 more shots we get the brilliant idea to do flaming shots of Everclear. For those that do not know Everclear has the highest percentage of alcohol of any booze. It is pretty close to moonshine. I go to blow it out and next thing you know my hand is one fire, the bar is on fire, my buddy next to me his arm is on fire. Surprising part of this story is they kept serving us.

Who else is sick and tired of those late night phone chat ads? I only ask because one in on right now. Some of these girls on the commercials are hot and some just scare me.

I just skimmed through and saw that I have made a grievous error. I told you I smoke. Oh no how could I do something so stupid. Now you hate me for smoking. But let me tell you something. I smoke so that others may live because if I didn't I would kill some one.

Ok well I think that may be enough of a little trip inside my mind. Again I would like to thank Mirjam at Me Myself and I for this idea. Mirjam please contact me through the contact button on my profile which you can find to the right. I am really looking forward to having you write about what ever it is you want. Shoot for the moon or the gutter or maybe somewhere in between. Until the next time remember to be excellent to each other and... Party on dudes! have a great weekend everyone and thank you for indulging this rambling mad man.

Why I Will Never Be Considered A Good Blogger

This is actually something I have been thinking about quite a bit. Especially every time I hit the Stumble button and another how to be a good blogger blog shows up. My other favorite is the myriad of articles telling how to make money as a blogger. The one that pushed me over the edge was the 50 best and most relevant bloggers, somehow implying the rest of us are somewhat irrelevant.

Find a niche. I don't want to. I like offering to the masses the unique ramblings of this mad man. These ramblings can go in any direction which is what makes it fun to write and I am suire some may be wondering what I am going write next. My mind is random and I believe if what I am going to be offering is a reflection of me than it should be as random as I am.

By the way I love the word fuck. I really fucking do. However if your are to be a good blogger you should refrain from swearing. Oh shit. I guess I am fucked.

I should be tasteful. I used to own a 3lb Blue Chihuahua. The dog was blue. I was driving one day while he sat in the passenger seat and it occurred to me I was driving with a lethal weapon. If I hit the brakes he was going to through the windshield. Next I pictured a guy on the ground with half a Chihuahua sticking out of his head and laughed my self to tears. I had to pull over.

Link generously. I would rather link interestingly. I have varied and eclectic tastes. I throw up links to stuff I like. I link to blogs I actually read. I link selectively.

Sometimes I wake up and have a twinkle in my eye. That twinkle comes from a desire to fuck with people and see just how far I can take it. I mean really get under some ones skin. stir up some shit for no other reason than stirring up some shit. I am an asshole on those days. OK well everyday but most days I keep it check.

In general terms I don't like people. People as a whole are stupid. An individual is smart and can be reasoned with. When you group individuals together the average IQ of the group drops 30 points.

Did I mention my love for the word fuck.

Now that I scared off the mindless and the those with taste. On to something completely different.

I saw a bird the other day and it was looking at me. Maybe it was trying to read my mind. But why would a bird try to read my mind?

Now back to the news.

A good blogger should never do what I just did. It makes you appear insane and can alienate your readers. Remember your readers have no sense of humor.

Be an expert. But I don't know anything.

Be interesting. Really what is more interesting than trying to determine the sanity of a man that thinks a bird is trying to read his mind.

Keep posts short and to the point. Damn it! I was trying to figure out how to make this longer.

Credibility. How do I make you think I am a credible resource when I am writing a blog telling you why I am not a good blogger. Wrap your head around that.

SEO. Don't know what it means? Don't feel bad I had to look it up. Search Engine Optimization. WTF? I just want to write. I am no programmer and if I wanted to be one I would be one. Web Developers have jobs so I don't have to deal with this shit. Ooops, I said shit. There I go again. I must really be a horrible blogger.

I am hoping that everyone sees that this is a satirical article not meant to be taken seriously. I figure I lost those with no sense of humor and an overdeveloped sense of taste about a third of the way into this. For the rest of you I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Oh and a very special thank you to Mirjam for the brainstorm idea as this article is the first part of that experiment. You can check her stuff out to the right or here Me Myself & I

Off In My Own Little World

That is where I am today. I woke up late and the coffee is not working. I had an idea. What are some topics other people want to see me try to write about. Before submitting an idea in your comments I would suggest reading at least half of what I have already written just to get yourself familiar with my writing style. I am sure it will be interesting and if I pick your topic not only do you get 10 cookies but I will also let offer up a guest spot to write what ever you want and post it here. I write for Rusty Lime and what I post there and what I post here can be different. This is my experimental zone. Here I worry less about writing something people actually might care about and write more for my own entertainment. I know that some of us do the same. I would love to have other people writing whatever they damn well please here and damn the consequences. Give me your ideas and let the games begin.

Jared the Subway...I mean the Pornagraphy Guy

If it wasn't for Stumble I never would have come across this. For years I have disliked Jared. No one should ever become famous for no longer being obese. People in general should try to not let their body get to this weight. Also my reasons for not watching the Biggest Loser reality show. I have actually thought about purposely ballooning up to 400 lbs just so I can go on a show and get prizes and money for being overweight.

Before you start ranting at me understand this is a generalized view that purposely is not discussing medical conditions that cause obesity. I have known people that have had problems losing weight no matter what they do. Jared is not one of those people. He was a fat lazy worthless sack of flesh that ate Subway and got skinny. Not a reason for him to get big checks and I am tired of seeing his face which is one of many reasons why I generally do not watch TV.

The other thing this article shows is that everyone has something to hide. Never be taken in by what you are told and remember to go out and research it for yourself.