Sleepless in Chico

So as of right now I have been awake for about 36 hours. It is Wednesday night around 720pm. I got Scrubs on the TV and the girlfriend is out visiting a friend. So I guess this could either real stupid or real interesting real fast.

I am looking forward to being able to go tot sleep at some point. I get these sinus infections that put pressure on the nerves that run through the top of my jaw making it feel like one hell of a toothache running up and down my jaw. They not as bad as the first one. few years ago I got hit with this and slept a grand total of 8 hours for the entire month of August back in 2003.

Then there is this new Jack in the Box commercial and man what a miss. I have high expectations for these guys. Bringing back Jack was a classic move and made for some rally fun commercials. This latest one makes me glad I know where the mute button is.

Let's see what else is going in my world. The Dude is with his mom for the next 2 weeks. He has been gone 4 days and has called me 3 times. I miss my Dude.

Scrubs is over let's see what comes on next. I think it is 2 and 1/2 men. I love that show. The thing I love is that Charlie Sheen is not acting in this show. That's just him.

Still can't find a job.

So the little dog in the picture. That's Uma. she is a chihuahua, queens land heeler mix. This means she is too smart to listen and too neurotic to realize she is smart. Yet still I love my Uma dog. I still want a big dog.

Then there is Tiger. That would be my stepdaughters cat. This cat is a pain in the ass. We have to tape light switches in place. you also want to make sure she is not in the bathroom if your in the shower. She will jump up and turn the light off. Same cat will look at you dead i the eye as she knocks stuff over. She is a pain. She's just lucky she is so damn cute and Iam animal lover. No not that kind of animal lover you sick freaks. Yes that goes for both Sy and Kristen.

Now I am sitting here with that "Oh my God I am tired." burning sensation in my eyes.

Oh no it's the Speed Racer commercial. I fiugre if you turn the volume off the movie will be visually awesome. Volume on and you run the risk of getting gonorrhea in both eyes and syphilis in your ears. Was that mean? So what.

Next.

This no sleep thing reminds me of when The Dude was an infant. Well that and when I used to drink a lot. I remember the 4 day benders, ok so I don't remember all the details but I remember I was drunk for 4 days at a time. I would start Wednesday with mug night at the enlisted club while I was n the Air Force and stop drinking some time around Sunday night.

It was fun for a few years. Then I got married and I drank a lot more. Oh come on you were expecting it and would have been disappointed if I let it go.

So here I sit at a quarter til 8pm and I am not quite sure what I am writing here. So I will say I like cheese.

Now for something completely different.

Some have called me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once. Then they put me in a home. I died there. Then they buried me. Then the worms came I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once. Then they put me in a home. I died there. Then they buried me. Then the worms came I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once. Then they put me in a home. I died there. Then they buried me. Then the worms came I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once. Then they put me in a home. I died there. Then they buried me. Then the worms came I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once. Then they put me in a home. I died there. Then they buried me. Then the worms came I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once. Then they put me in a home. I died there. Then they buried me. Then the worms came I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once. Then they put me in a home. I died there. Then they buried me. Then the worms came I hate worms, they make me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once. Then they put me in a home. I died there. Then they buried me. Then the worms came I hate worms, they make me crazy.

No imagine hearing that from 2 guiys saying it in turns and then syncing up perfectly and going on and on until you consider homicide and really think once you explain the situation you will get away with it.

John Cryer is great. I still remember him as Ducky. If you don't know I am not going to explain. Look it up.

Well kids I think I have rambled on quite enough for this evening. My face still hurts like hell but at least I won't have Kristen yelling at me again. Is it bed time yet?

I think so. I will see yo kids later. Have some fun and do something nice for some one. I am sure you know some one that could use it.

The passing of the draft

If you are not a football fan then you may as well just skim through to see if I talk about anything other then the NFL Draft. It has consumed much of my existence for the last couple weeks getting ready for this holy of holy days.

It is the single most exciting off season event of any sport. It is a national holiday or should be. So how did I celebrate?

First I had to put on my Michael Huff jersey and my Raiders hat and then meet up with Statty and the Wookie at Safeway. Before I left the Queen of the Geeks discovered that me and the giys don't actually like football that much and that the only reason we watch the season is to see of all the bullshit we talk about on draft day actually happens. So.

There were cheers, there times when 6 guys all said at the same time "What the Fuck?"

There was beer, gin and tonic, vodka, Jagermeister, chips, dip and some medicinal herbs. We ate we drank and we took shots at each other and at each others teams. I lost big this year and here is why. They were posting up some comments form the web on the screen and one incredibly stupid motherfucker that I would gladly punch in the face puts up, "Mcfadden is really going to help our defense this year."

Darren Mcfadden is a running back. He plays offense. How in the blue hell is he going to help the fucking defense you fucking dolt. Needless to say I took much shit over this.

From a an entertainment standpoint one of the best drafts ever. Now for something completely different.

Friday I had a great conversation with one of my heroes and I will be putting the finishing touches on the article tonight after bowling. I had a second interview on Friday with a guy that gave me a couple names and I have one of them locked up for an interview and with any luck I should be talking to the mystery man this week.

Well kids its 130 am and I am getting tired. So again for all the entertainment you can stand chack out my blog roll and don't miss a link. May you have a great week.

Blogstorm: Extra crazy edition

I just got reminded of a trick to keep small kids occupied while mommy is trying to get away from them for a few minutes. Works like a charm. My ex wife was upset when I did this to her daughters one day when she wanted to take a shower with out the 2 yr old crying at the door to come in. There is also a 5 yr old involved here so pay attention.

"Where's mommy"

"She's on a dragon flying to the moon go get moon cheese."

"Moon Cheese?"

"Special cheese that comes from the moon and mommies have to fly up there on a dragon to get the cheese."

"Mommy is getting us moon cheese Sissy."

"I know. Daddy when is mommy going to be back with the moon cheese?"

"Soon so sit down here and watch a movie for a little bit and I will go check to see if she's back." This where dad sneaks into the kitchen pulls out a block of cheddar and a knife. Cut a few 1/4 inch slices and then use the knife to cut out quarter moons. They don't have to be artistic, trust me the kids won't care. Then wait for mommy to get out of the shower and walk into the living room and bring in the moon cheese and say "Mommy got back with the moon cheese. She is saying goodbye to the dragon so daddy brought it to you."

"YEA MOON CHEESE!"

Mommy walks in the room and is damn near tackled by the diminutive pair as they are thanking her for getting them moon cheese. Mommy has no idea what daddy has been up to. Mommy asks the girls to explain. Daddy hides in the kitchen to hide his laughter. Mommy is not pleased and daddy gets smacked in the arm. Next.

So then we all went to the pace to get the thing and it was a messy thing and we had to clean it up before we could sell it to the guy for the money. We took the money and bought that thing over there and then it blew up and we were forced to hide behind the door.

I missed me. Did you miss me? I missed me.

So I lost my my feet yesterday. I was passing some time with a friend and all of a sudden my feet disappeared and then my head began to float away from my body.

So I got even more good news this morning and more offers for stuff for the other guy that uses my computer to write shit for some other websites and he is getting some cool stuff coming up in the future. I could tell you but then I would have to strap you to a table and slowly cut off all your limbs with a spork. Then I would have to clean the wounds with lime juice, I hear it works pretty good. Then cauterize your stumps and put you in your new home. A larger trash can and I will call you The Grouch and paint your face green. The next person is going to painted blue. Can you guess what I will call them boys and girls? That's right Cookie Monster. You sure are smart boys and girls.

OK so even I was a little scared of that one but I figured what the hell, these people already know I am insane. Then again if you have never read this dribble please note that these are normal posts and their has been intent in making you think I am insane. You are supposed to point and laugh and look at the silly white male melt before your eyes into a puddle of blubbering goo. Oops, I did it again.

Now quit groaning you had to know at some point Brittany Spears would haunt this blog for a moment or 2. Everybody gets one and that's mine. Besides you have to admit it was a clever way to work it in and you had no idea it was coming.

Now for something completely different. Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band hopes you will enjoy the show while you let the evening flow because your are such a lovely audience and we would like to take you home with us. Please stay tune.

Ever see a dog lick a baby kittens genitals and face. Me either until I was hanging out with the Scruffy Guy and watched his dog do it. I have a great video of the face lick on my phone. It so rocks.

I have said it before, my life is the target for weird shit. Every day I live, something weird this way comes. Hmm... never mind.

You know I really do love both of my personas the same. "Oh really, thank you daddy."

Unless you have been paying attention and have read my past posts you would know who my other persona is. If not, nobody tell them make them read it for themselves.

I like cheese.

Oldy but a goody.

Then this one time at... wait... this one time what? I forgot where I was going with this. Maybe some one will throw some original ideas in the comments.

So I have this friend (don't laugh I do have friends, really I do, I mean honestly I have friends, I truly do. OK so I only have this one.) and this friend did this thing that I had been wanting to do and this friend said this thing sucked. "It sucked?"

"Oh yeah buddy it sucked."

"How much did it suck?"

"It sucked it all"

"Woah"

So my ex wife was getting ready to drive the hour and half to come get The Dude for her two weeks and here is that conversation.

"On my way down."

"OK, cool."

"What's gas down there?"

"Stuff we put in cars."

"Asshole"

"Duh, big red truck."

"Why did I marry you?"

"The sex."

"Why did I divorce you?"

"Everything else."

"Oh yeah. Asshole. Be there soon."

OK so I made up everything after the first time I got called an Asshole but everything before that was true.

So I am taking some shots at the ex. If you knew what she said to my face last time I picked up The Dude you would know why.

"I tell every one that you're a good man and a good dad, an excellent father but a shitty husband."

Pause of about 15 seconds while I fight the urge to take the bait.

"You know I just thought of something. I am no longer married to you which means I am no longer required to argue with you."

We left very shortly after that.

Well kids I am off to play in the madness that is my life. I want you all to read my blogroll for more entertainment guaranteed and have a kick ass weekend.

One of my little adventures cought on video.

So I write with these guys over at www.rustylime.com and they came up for a visit and what pursued was fucking funny. Give it a watch. It's about 12 minutes and let's you see what a night with me might look like.


Joe and Kim meet Jim

Reflections

So I have been on a Beatles kick since I saw Across the Universe a month or so ago. I had to buy it after I saw it. Something about that time period I have always been in love with. It was the last time this country came to the brink of revolution and not just in politics but in thought.

Forget the drugs, people were embracing new ideas and new ways of thinking and there was this spirit of change and adventure or so I am told. I can only fantasize about it but I have always felt like there was something I missed by not even being conceived until almost half way through the 70's. Oh well back to the dream.

So then I am listening to the a mix of the Beatles and the stuff off the Across the universe soundtrack and I am so mellow it is so beautiful. I actually had a pretty big day with my movie site. I made an agreement that gives use of 1/4 million monthly hits for selling myself to get interviews in exchange for posting the celebrity interviews I have been getting. Friday is going to be a big day. I have 2 interviews to do and one is with a legend with the work he does. It is going to be an honor to talk to him.

I have a lot going on this last few weeks and have not really paid much attention to this blog since I have been getting the new one up and running. Its been almost 2 weeks and I am not getting huge amounts of hits yet. Duh big red truck dumbass. I know I am just anxious. I have laid out a lot of ground work for this sight that won't really become apparent for about six months. Until then I just keep plugging away.

Really for the first time in my life I feel like I am living in a dreamworld and that I am doing what I am meant to do. It's exciting but also quite peaceful at the same time. I am no longer worried about what I am going to be when I grow up. I found my dream and with it I found my passion and have seen how the rest of it has led up to this. Epiphany is the word I am searching for. I know it sounds stupid after two weeks but when I look at the chain of events over the last 2-3 months and I see how the pieces are falling into place. It is quite an elegant design to bring so many people and ideas into exactly the right place at the right time. I am riding high now but what happens when shit goes wrong like it always does from time to time. I like to think that I have reached a point where I will shrug it off and push forward, of course it helps that I am the most stubborn person I know.

There is something comforting about having this blog separate and only having a few that come and visit. The people that see the man behind the whore. The people that supported me from the start. These are the people I will never forget and that I owe the most to. These are the people that put up with my ramblings and craziness and kept coming back and even liked it. It is this blog right here and it's few readers that always come to see what I am rambling about now and leave their comments that gave me the confidence to do something I thought I would never do because it was only a dream. So to you I say thank you for helping me build the foundation for my dream. It's a good dream and I owe you all.

Don't worry this is no farewell and the crazy guy will be back full strength for one hell of a BlogStorm this week. My goal is to make it the best one yet.

Back to work

So I took a play day yesterday. Well actually I was cleaning the house all day. I am house bitch, what can I say?

Then bowled really well last night. I was happy.

Then I nearly killed a cat. You see I have this numbered USS Enterprise replica that my stepdaughters cat knocked over and broke last night. That cat is lucky to be alive at this point. One day this cat may become food for my snake when the snake is big enough. I have a ball python that is just under a year old. She is a pretty snake.

Then I got this really good news yesterday when I woke up but I can;t say anything yet. Otherwise it will spoil the surprise when I write the article.

I feel like I'm about to have an alien burst out of my gut so I will see you tomorrow.

Why this Monday doesn't suck

I just got an interview with one of my heroes. No I am going to tell you who you just have to check out The Movie Whore from time to time to find out. Yeah so I am pimping my own site. Sue me. Wait don't I am broke.

I had a nice relaxing weekend of sitting around and watching movies and hanging out with The Dude.

I don't have much for today so I suggest hitting everyone on my blog roll then come back tomorrow and I promise something entertaining. I am just too excited about the interview I am going to be doing very soon. have fun kids. See you tomorrow.

I see a storm...

...and it s full of tasty treats.

This past week Sy (the nut job form The Wheel is Turning but the Hamster is Dead) have been having this little competition of wits. With this being Friday it's time to let you all in on it and ask for your help. We need you to go through our posts for last week and read our comments to each other then vote for a winner. The rules were pretty simple.

1. Must use content from post you're commenting on to take your shots.

2. Once the first defensive move is made then rule 1 flies out the window.

3. Just to make it interesting, no profanity may be used.

4. No explaining to anyone that has not read this post just what the fuck is going on.
The winner of this contest gets bragging rights to use on the others comments for the next week. God I hope I win. I will leave this post up over the weekend and you can vote in the comments section.

Next

Last

First

What am I doing?

One of those things.

What things?

Not again.

Next.

So I am too fucking broke for cable and my antenna did not get shit in tonight so no TV for me. I wept like a baby. A hungry angry baby. 10 cookies to anyone that name that movie.

Then I woke up and found the Dude had curled up in bed with us and he was taking up half the bed. Did I mention he is 3. Pushy little bugger.

I love feeding my snake. No Sy a real snake. I have a ball python I call Spot. Why Spot? So glad you asked.

You see for years anytime I have seen any documentary or seen anyone with any type of exotic animal they always give the poor creature some stupid exotic sounding name. I have ranted about this for years that just once I wanted to see a tiger named Bob. So when I got my pretty little baby snake last year for my Birthday I was thinking about trying to come up with some cool sounding exotic name. Then I promptly slapped myself stupid and realized what a fucking hypocrite I was being. So I went with Spot. She is such a pretty snake. I love watching her kill her food. She is swift and merciful going for the quick kill.

Then I was dreaming that i had this coffee cup and instant coffee teabag thing and even if i put next to no water in the cup once I out the bag in it would start to overflow and I could do nothing to stop it. Weird huh?

Then I had this other dream, wait I think I will keep that one to myself. I loved the video Crissy put up yesterday of her cat getting stoned out his gourd on catnip. lady rolls a mane joint. I think she has had practice.

Mirjam returned from her break so I suggest jumping over to Me Myself and I after reading this dribble.

I went for a walk today and saw a squirrel. Not these little piss ant brown squirrels you have some places I am talking about big fucking California Gray squirrel. These little fuckers are mean. Devious too. You know the dog at the top of the page. That's Uma. She's chihuahua queens land heeler mix. Needless to say not very big. Not real bright either. She is obsessed with the squirrels as if she thinks they will play with her. No they throw shit at her from the trees. Poor dog loses her mind.

Well I need a big cup of coffee and to take the kids to school. Have fun today and have a kick ass weekend.

I think...

...if we are relying on me thinking we are in trouble.

So on with the day. I think I may do something today that involves doing something. What I don;t know. I am sure I will figure it out.

Sir put down the brownies and step away and nobody will get hurt.

Then we went this camp ground out in the middle of nowhere and there were these creepy guys walking down the road when we were driving.

I thought about it again and maybe I am not so dumb.

There he goes again.

Who?

That guy.

Which guy?

Don't start.

Start what, I just want to know who that guy is.

You know damn well who it is.

No I don't

Yes you do.

So do I.

Wait who are you?

You mean you don't know?

Know who you are no?

That's funny he doesn't know.

Actually it's kind of frustrating because he keeps asking stupid questions.

I can see that. So should we tell him?

Tell me what?

What you should already know?

And what's that?

You are me and he is me and me is we and we are all together because I am the walrus.

What the fuck does that shit mean?

Are you fucking high?

You bet your dumb ass I am.

How else would any of that shit made sense.

Fuck it give me some of what you are on. If I am going to record this damn song I don't want to remember it.

My take on the Beatles selling Ringo on recording I am the Walrus. Before you go getting pissy with me I want to you to know I am huge Beatles fan and even I can't help but to wonder what the fuck? When I hear that song.

So how many thought I was going to go the split personality route?

Yeah so it's late and I am bored. I have stumbled through some real shit pages tonight and thought the absence of thought would be a nice change of pace. Amway boys and girls I am off to my devices and when you are done here check out everyone on the Blog roll and stop by The Movie Whore for a little fun.

What is going on?

No really. What's everyone up to?

Me not much. I just landed a decent interview with some guy in Hollywood for my other site. I also have found that the NFL draft just isn't close enough.

Speaking of the draft we are planning breakfast this year to avoid last years drunk by 8 am. The draft starts at 8am. We all showed up at the Falcon around 7:30 and immediately started doing shots. Since none of us had anything to eat that morning. So the shots hit and they hit hard. We spent the rest of the day trying to sober up.

We were eating chips and dip and twice baked potatoes with Drewburgers. Now let me explain what a Drewburger is. Take your hamburger and throw it in a bowl and mix in some BBQ sauce and garlic and spices then make 2 thin patties and throw some shredded cheese on one then use the second one as a top and makesure they will stay together. Throw that on the BBQ and then caramelize some onions with some mushrooms and throw it on a bun. Best burger ever.

There is a big fucking tree next door with a big fucking bees nest in it. So when Greg had his meltdown after his team wasted their first round pick he was out side stomping back and forth screaming his head off while taking shots from his bottle of Jaegermeister. This of course had the bees stirred up and had us running for cover.

Then I went bowling last night. our team name is Out to the Truck because of our between game safety meetings. We held these meetings in one of the guys truck. He now has a new Infinity M45. So when we start our summer league in 5 weeks the new name will be To Infinity and Beyond.

My mom just got a nice fat settlement from a workers comp claim so she took the Queen of the Geeks and the kids out shopping. Kids cleaned up with 5 new movies and new clothes and other new toys. The Queen of the Geeks got some new clothes as well.

Ever watch a 3 yr old with a small dog and a rope. It's quite entertaining.

So I am watching Night at the Museum with the Dude and I think the morning sugar is finally kicking in. She kid is bouncing off the walls.

So I think I am going to go get some more coffee and while I am gone I would like you to tkae some time and let me know what makes what makes your morning good or bad?

Something that made the Queen of the Geeks laugh

Weeknds aound here with the kids means that I normally get up between 730-8 am. Now I usually don't have a problem with this. I let the Queen sleep in. She gets up early all week. Friday night I went to bed around 3 am. The kids, ok the Dude had me up at 730 am. We then took the kids to the park for a birthday party. Great playground area in the park that is completely fenced in and has but one exit. This gives the parents the chance to let their children run wild through area and all we have to do is keep an eye on the gate. SO the kids played hard and by the time we got home I was ready for a nap. The Queen of the Geeks went to hang out with a friend and I stayed hoe with DQ (8 yr old Drama Queen) the Dude. You can imagine I did not get much napping in. The Queen was gone for a few hours and upon her return felt bad knowing how tired I had been. No I did not make her feel guilty. I even told her that there was nothing for her to feel guilty about. Being the wonderful woman she is she told the children that this morning they should come get her and let me sleep in. Noble effort but an exercise in futility. The Dude is 3 and while he is quite well behaved for 3 he has his moments. So the kids being who they are were screaming at 730 am. She gets up and deals with them. I am almost back to sleep when it the phone rings at 830 am.

I am 5'10" and weigh in around 185 lbs. There is nothing physically imposing about me. Drewbacca is 5'7" (being generous) and ways over 250 lbs. Drewbacca also has quite the martial arts back ground and can move fairly quickly in short bursts for a man his size. In a stragiht up fight he would kick my ass before I knew what happened.

SO now you can guess who called. The conversation sounded something like this.

Me "This better be an emergency"

Him "It is I cut my toe off"

Me "Really"

Him "No"

Me "Then why are you calling me at 830 am and this better be good"

Him sounding quite sheepish "Well I want to take you guys out to breakfast and I figured with the kids you would be up"

Me still not really awake but sounding plenty pissed "Normally yes but this is my tun to sleep in."

Him sounding almost fearful "I am sorry I will call back in 3-4 hours."

While this does not translate that well after I get off the phone the love of my life is laughing uncontrollably with this image of Drewbacca sitting on his couch actually afraid of what might happen should the conversation continue. I must admit he really did sound like he was thinking "Oh shit Ipissed him off and he may kill me" and she could hear him.

So now it's about 10 after 9 am and I have my coffee and I am watching Looney Toons with the kids. I have a world calss sinus headache. Yes the wookie my die.

Where did the movie whore go?

To find out click here.

Things not to do after dark.

1. Play DOOM 3: Once Statty told me about palying DOOM 3 at 3 am. The game had him so scared that when his cat scratched at the door he pulled the .45 (gun) out from under his pillow and he nearly shot him.
   
2. Watch the original Evil Dead: Movie still creeps me out. Ihave to turn on every light in the place if I watch that at night.
   
3. Watch Rose Red: One of the best Stephen King movies ever made. It's the little whispering voices that they play that do the trick.
   
4. Play Hellgate London: I just discovered this one tonight. I have playing off and on for about a month or so and tonight I reached the level that makes you glad you left the light on.
   
5. Wander down a dark alley: Kind of a duh but I was out after 4. Not much scares me.
   

The first item I can understand. I have played the game and shit just jumps out at you from nowhere, frequently. Can put you on edge. I still to this day have yet to see a movie that scared me as much as the original Evil Dead. I watched recently at like 10 am and still got the heebee geebees. Rose Red is number 2 on the scariest flick ever list. Through out the movie they play this mixed track of whispers that just flat creeps me out. the worst would be to watch these 2 movies back to back alone at night. Oh and smoke some pot so when the paranoia sets in you really have something special there.

So onto my new scare. I have been loving Hellfate London. Quality hack and slash game. However I just reached a point where every 2 seconds you have beasties coming out no where and shadows dropping fire on you from the nowhere. Really gets the blood pumping. Now it's almost 11 pm and I am quite tired from driving for 4 hours to go get the Dude from his mom. We rotate every 2 weeks. I should have stopped at the point that the game had me wandering theough some ones brain and battling it out with the Id, Ego, and Super ego represented by these little ghostly forms that throw shit at you from every direction. Combine that with demons materializing out of nowhere while suddenly bursting into flames and you have yourself on edge. Thank God I am sober. So what scares the hell out you?

It's tough to be my friend.

So here we are another Friday and another storm of ideas running through my head. I have some stuff going on and it is some cool stuff but what exactly that stuff is, well it is some stuff.

So I have been thinking of some things from the past. One of those things was the funniest moment of my life. You see one night when Statty and I had first become friends we were at the Blonds’ house. The Blond worked with us and was quite hot. Any guy would think so. She was older than us and had 3 daughters. Now the Blond was also the stereo typical Blond at times. Had a thing for married guys. Anyway the Blond was having a party at her house. Bob (name changed to protect the guilty.) bought 2 bottles of tequila, one for Bob and one for Statty. They both drank each bottle down. During this time we were in the back yard and one of the Blonds daughters was flirting with Statty quite a bit. Statty being close to twenty at the time was flirting back, especially after Bob told Statty that she was 17.

Now I being the loveable asshole I am was enjoying this immensely. Especially when I pulled Statty aside and asked him if he knew how old this girl was. He said “Yeah she’s 17.”

The next few seconds were the most precious in all my life. Even still to this day I have never derived such pleasure as this night. While doing everything in my power not to bust up laughing I looked Statty right in the eye and said “You fucking dolt she’s 13.”

To this day I have never seen an instant drunken rage happen right before my eyes so quickly. As Statty went on a drunken rampage I fell down and nearly pissed myself laughing, Now it gets better. Bob was not a small guy. Rather heavy set and so was his girlfriend Stacy who was the Blonds room mate. Statty opens the door to Stacy’s bedroom only to see Bob and Stacy having sex. For several years after this incident if Statty ever got an attitude all I would have to say is “17” and he would instantly shut up or tell me that he hated me. Yes this is the torture that it is to be my friend. I am a dick.

So last weekend Statty the man who said he would never get married, got married. So Thursday I went over to Statty’s to set up a few programs on his new computer. His wife who I constantly referred to as Mrs. Insert last name here, which will take about 6 months to get old for me, was in the kitchen doing stuff most of the time I was there. She also happened to be barefoot. Statty hates kids and is terrified of having one. So being that he is my best friend I naturally said “Well you’re in the kitchen and barefoot, seems there is only one thing missing.”

This of course elicited the response I was looking for of “You shut your whorish mouth right now.” I laughed and laughed some more. Even Statty said today that it really shows his level of patience that he and I are such good friends and have been for so many years and he has never once knocked me the fuck out even though I probably deserved it a time or 2.

Then I am talking to the Queen of the Geeks, my girlfriend, and we were talking about how even Statty doesn’t get lippy with her and that my friends look at her almost as if they are afraid. I had to tell these 2 stories to show what my friends put up with 1-2 times a week. Now think of what the Queen of the Geeks puts up with daily. I pointed out this comparison to the love of my life and also pointed out that any woman that can put up with me on a daily basis is a crazy bitch you don’t want to fuck with. She agreed. Really we don’t argue. We have tried to and we, well I just end up laughing. However I know if I was ever to truly piss her off that she would get me in my sleep. I am a heavy sleeper. She could do whatever she wanted and I would sleep right through it. I take care not to piss her off.

Now for something completely different.

I drove me Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.

“I just find it interesting that you came from some where.”

We all came from some where. Where did The Movie Whore come from?

Like you are getting it that easy. Don’t start Sy.

So I watched this weeks South Park while over at Statty’s today. This is now my favorite episode of South Park and Statty and I have determined that they are trying see if they get canceled. This really has been the best season ever. There was a moment that left both Statty and I completely speechless for ten seconds and even then it was only to say that we had now idea how to respond to what we just saw. I may even go so far as to say it was the most offensive thing I have ever seen on TV. Which is really saying a lot. This is coming from the guy who told his friends “I dated this one girl that asked me to do things to her I wouldn’t do to a farm animal.”

Drewbacca said “What bothers about that is what you would do to a farm animal.”

Without missing a beat “Would do and have done.”

I am a sick fuck and these guys made me speechless. It was awesome.

So yes not only am I crazy but a twisted soul as well.

Then there was this in the news.

Crazy man naked and on fire was seen running down the street today. As he was running people said they could hear him screaming “SHARK!”

Later it was determined that the man had taken LSD then put Jaws on TV and a video of some one on fire on his computer.

Well shit. I am about out of stuff for this one kids. Have a kick ass weekend!

Oh yeah and 5 cookies to the person that can name the movie the quote is from. No cheating and using IMDB.

I just thought of something. The reason I can piss someone off in nothing flat is that once a discussion or debate turns into an argument I don't get mad, I get entertained by driving people insane. I love to stir the shit up. I am good at it to. I have been recently having an on going discussion with some one and now what was once an attempt at opening eyes just may become entertaining. I really am a dick. But it really is kind of silly don't you think to take anything too seriously from some wise ass that calls himself The Movie Whore?

Bruce Campbell is Indiana Jones...

…and Harrison Ford as Ash. Now pick your jaw up and read on.

We are going to switch some roles around and look at what might have been. Of course we are going to start with what made your jaw drop to begin with. I am so looking forward to the comments on this one.

Actors: Bruce Campbell, Harrison Ford

Movies: Army of Darkness, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

I can just see Bruce on screen with Sean Connery. Just picture it. Bruce has played this type of character before. Call Indy a hybrid of Ash and Briscoe County Jr. Think of the added wit this would have brought to the franchise. Talk about a guy that do his own stunts. Sam Raimi once ran into Bruce while on a motorcycle with a camera strapped to it just to get a shot for the Evil Dead. Bruce Campbell is a very talented actor and I believe while it would be a different movie I would still enjoy it.

Now let's look at Harrison "Quit calling me Jack" Ford as Ash. Totally different movie. I mean really Ford saying "Good, bad , I am the guy with the gun” sells me on this. Really at the base of the 2 characters is only one major difference. Indy does what he does because of his passion for it. Ash just kind of fell into it and is trying to make the best of a bad situation. So we have Harrison taking on the undead. I am picturing the scene with the mini Ashes. I think being the talented actor that Ford is he would have a lot of fun with the physical comedy involved in this scene.

Actors: Nicholas Cage, John Cusack

Movies: Ghost Rider, Ice Harvest

Cage is one of my favorite actors to hate. Granted he has done some good movies and was outstanding in Leaving Las Vegas but Ghost Rider made me angry on several levels. There is also other recasting to be done here but that will be another article.

Anyway I got the idea of John Cusack as Ghost Rider from my buddy Statty (Yes we hang out that much.) as he is much more familiar with the comic than I am (Movie Whore not Comic Whore). This idea appeals to me because you don’t need some one overly physical or built for the role and as I am writing this I am picturing John and I can definitely see it. Now I will admit to being a huge Cusack fan and I can’t wait for War Inc to come out but just go down this road with me for bit. Think about delivery and attitude and I would say I could see him easily pulling this off and making it a better movie just with his presence. John can do the physical stuff and since most of the “Rider” scenes depend on CGI for appearance all you need is a good actor that can carry off the dialog. I think John has would have the perfect delivery for to make this watchable. Other possibilities include Jude Law and Daniel Craig.

OK it was tough to pick a Cusack flick for Nick to screw up but went with Ice Harvest because Billy Bob Thornton can make other people better. For this reason I could have also chosen Pushing Tin. I loved both movies. OK so I am seeing Cage in Ice Harvest as this nervous guy following Thornton’s lead. I think it would actually be funnier since Cage is more physically imposing than Billy Bob. It would add a new dimension to the character and possibly make it funnier.

Actors: Hayden Christensen, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Movies: Episode II, Brick

OK so really this is just to see anyone else as Anakin Skywalker. If you are not familiar Joe or the movie Brick I highly recommend it. However watch it with the subtitles on as there is a lot slang and it helps with the context.
Ok so Joe in Episode II would have been much better. This is also the kid the did the Lookout, which again is a good movie which he delivers a solid performance. I think he would bring the acting ability that is sorely lacking in this film. How do you put Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman and Samuel L Jackson around a guy with no talent? Think of how much better these scenes would have been with a good actor. Joe can pull off anything in my book and if you are questioning comedy then go back and watch 3rd Rock from the Sun. Yes he was the kid alien. Doesn’t that just blow your mind?

If your doubting my thoughts on Brick then by all means check the tomato meter here. 78% is a damn good score. This movie would be ruined but it would show how much an actor Hayden isn’t and then hopefully he would fade away and we would not have to endure him any longer. I curse George Lucas for giving us such a pathetic whelp that now we are stuck with as they keep giving him movies. Like one set for 2009 called Neuromancer where he puts himself into the internet. I’m still twitching.

Well I can definitely say that we have not even scratched the surface on this topic and I will be returning to this topic in the future. Keep an eye for “The Hollywood Switch” in the future. If you have any actor combos you think you can stump me on let me know. Thanks again to Michael Ott for giving me the idea and the first switch.

Where I stand on racism

This is a comment I left on this article over at Babeled. Kind of got me going a little. Anyway Thought I would share. It looks like this one could go on a while.

Where do I begin?

Let’s start with awkwardness. I am a straight white male. I am “the man” and have never felt any awkwardness around black people. I even grew up in a small town that virtually none and did not meet a black person until I was 16. Cool guy, we got along great. During my time in the military I got to know several African Americans (Forgot we were being politically correct.) and my commanding officer was a black guy. On second thought I have never been politically correct so why start now. I never felt awkward by the color of our skin being different. I attribute this to totally ignoring everyone and everything that told me I should feel guilty about my ancestors. I realized at an early age I stand on my own as a man. I never bought into the brainwashing that I should feel some sort of responsibility for the sins of my fathers. there are 2 things that I attribute to my not being a racist.

1. All men are created equal. When i studied the document in school i asked what it meant by that line. It made sense. I added it to my moral rolledex.

2. I can trace my ancestry straight to Robert E. Lee. My ancestors were slave owners and it is known that slave owners had sex with slaves. This produced babies. If the baby came out with fair enough skin it would be taken from the slave and the slave owner would raise it. So if you follow that line of thought there is a very good chance that I myself am a black man.

Next.

Political correctness does nothing but further discrimination.

Next.

Reparations, please sir the very idea is laughable. To say that some one deserves payment due to something that happened that long ago. Well then how about we pay reparations to anyone that has ever had an ancestor that was a slave. That would involve everyone on the planet. Every culture in history had slaves of some sort that were treated just as poorly or worse. Americans did not invent slavery we learned it from every other culture that ever was. Less you forget people were not stolen from Africa they were sold to the white man by their own people who were keeping them as what…that’s right kids slaves. They enslaved each other on a regular basis.

Andrew while I believe you have the best of intentions and my intent is not to insult you, I would suggest doing a little more reading on the subject and for crying out loud quit getting suckered into guilt by the propaganda machine that is the bleeding heart liberal.

Helping Americans all Americans that live in the inner cities not just the black people is a wonderful thing. It is when you call it out by race that you actually are helping to keep social equality from happening.

Granted inner cities are largely populated by blacks but not exclusively. This is economics not racism. Before you can effectively pour money into a community and have it mean anything you have to get aggressive with the gangs and taken them out (take that however you want). Again I don’t see this as a race issue at all. That would be a result of not seeing race. When you stop seeing race is when you start seeing racial equality. I see people not their skin color. We have been and are still conditioned to see race. So quit worrying about race and reparations and concentrate on people as people not as black and white.

Wise words

Every so often in life some one passes on some wise words. Sometimes it makes sense instantly and other times is takes a while to sink in. Here some wise words that have been passed along to me.

For our families.
Marco Alvarez. The man was making a point about the dedication he brings to his craft.

These words hit home right away. It's often the simple things that hit us the hardest. When dedicating yourself to something I can think of no better motivation or noble reason to excel at what you do.

Pick your moments.
Master Sargent Jimmy Johnson. Trying to teach a 19 year old punk to calm the fuck down.

I can't tell you how many times I heard these words from this man that I have the utmost respect for. I do remember the last time he said them. I also remember I thought he was quite literally going to kill me. It was then that I thought "Oh, Pick your moments. I get it now."

If not now, when.
My dad. Always trying to turn his worthless sack of flesh teen age son into a decent person.

He never called me a useless sack of flesh, I did. My dad has always believed in me and has always wanted me to succeed where he had failed. He has always given me his support and has never failed to be there when I needed him. I use my dad as a measuring stick of how well I am doing with the Dude and my little DQ (Drama Queen aka my step daughter.) and so far so good.

We all can look back on our lives and see people that influenced us. My list is quite long as I truly believe that I am influenced by every one I come in contact with. I never cease to learn from others and take that knowledge and wisdom and apply it to my life. I pick up little pearls of wisdom from each person but these 3 are the ones that mean the most to me. Even some of you have influenced me in ways you will never know. Some more than others.

In closing I just wanted to say thank you to you. You who come and read my ramblings and for some strange reason keep coming back. Like I could go an entire post with out a joke. Seriously I thank you all for your comments and for even reading what I write at all. After all I was never The Movie Whore until a friend pointed it out. What wise words have influenced you the most?

Who do you need to make a good movie?

I have been examining movies in a new way recently. I have been breaking them down and really determining what makes them good, bad or a total waste of my time. I have been having some really good conversations with people on the subject as well. When Joe and Kim OJ were here in Chico I was rambling on the subject and some of what I was saying I had never actually said before but now realize it always there in my mind just waiting to be let loose. So who would a movie whore get to make a good movie, let's find out.

Writer:

It all starts with the writing. The script is the single greatest tool that film makers have to work with. The script gives you the dialog. The script gives your imagination a place draw your visuals from. It is the script that is the back bone of the movie. With out the script you have nothing.

Script Supervisor/Editor:

Some people write great things and others take those great things and make them better. You have to have some one that can punch things up. Some one that can do some research and make sure the script is solid. Some one that will look at the writer and say “You want them to say what?”

The editor also has to look at the context of the story and make sure that the content matches up. It makes no sense to have a movie placed in 17th century and have them speak modern English unless you are making a parody movie of sorts. Worst context to content error is the remake of Romeo and Juliet with Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio. You can not update your world and not update your dialog. I hated this movie with every fiber of my being. Now Uncle Lloyd (Lloyd Kaufman of Tromaville Productions) got it right. Shakespeare was satirist. He looked at the world around him and saw the stupidity. How do you think he came up with Romeo and Juliet? So if you are going to update it you have to update everything and engage in the process with tongue firmly planted in cheek.

Your editor also has to check out the technical part of the story. If you are making a movie about time travel you better get your science right because the audience is not stupid. You have to stick to your science all the way through. Think Deja Vu or Primer. If the script does not hold up it is the editors job to go back to the writer and help him/her fix it.

Director:

The director has to be able to understand the writers vision. The director has the job of bringing the writers vision to life. The director has make sure that he/she picks the right actors to deliver the dialog. Great dialog can be killed by bad delivery. The director has to decide about what kind of special effects are needed to tell the story correctly. Overdoing your effects can kill your story just as fast as bad line delivery. Just ask Michael Bay. Mr. Bay has always made visually pleasing movies but forgot about telling the story. This is why I was so surprised by Transformers. Say what you want but it was a solid movie from beginning to end. The directors choice to take Bumble Bee and make him a Camaro upset a lot of fans, this one included. But then in the scene that we get introduced to Bumble Bee he parks right next to a yellow Bug. This shows how ridiculous it would have been to keep him as the classic VW. Bay even takes a shot at himself with the guy running down the street after one of the Autobots crash lands, he screams “This is a thousand times better than Armageddon.”

The director sets the tone of the movie. He/she tells the writers story. A bad director can kill a good script faster than anything.

Actors/Actresses:

They have the daunting task of breathing life into the writers dialogue. Delivery can kill dialogue. Again you have to find balance between context and content. You have to know the character. You have to be the character. Bruce Campbell became Ash. I know odd reference. Why reference a B-Movie actor, because he is a great B-Movie actor. Watch Bubba Ho-tep and watch it only for the acting. Then come back tell me if he is a good actor or not. Just because the man chooses to star in smaller indy flicks does not take away from his talent at all. It just means he has his own principals and he sticks by them unless Sam needs him for a cameo. Sam Raimi (The guy that killed Spiderman 3) and Bruce have been making movies together since high school. Now I want to picture some one else playing Ash in the Evil Dead remake. Did you start twitching, I did. The right person for the role is essential to telling the writers story.

Costume Designer:

“The clothes make the man.” There is a reason this cliché has been around so long. When you apply this cliché to movies it is absolutely 100% true. Bill and Ted wearing polo shirts and Dockers just does not work. Enough said.

Set Designer:

The place has to fit the story. It has to be believable surroundings. You can’t have a movie set in the 17th century in a castle with Lazy-boy recliner. Pretty straightforward.

Make up:

Look at Coming to America. The make up on Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall was astounding. Eddie Murphy as a crusty old white dude was one of the most amazing make up jobs I have ever seen. Until I saw the credits I would not have known that was Eddie.

Special Effects:

Michael Bay made CGI work in Transformers. The CGI team hated him. He kept coming back and telling them that it was not good enough. He wanted kung fu robots. Watch the movie and tell me the CGI was not top notch. Now there is also something to be said for using old fashion gags. Look at Underworld. Sure they used CGI but they avoided it at all costs. They actually had the effects guys design stilts and costumes so they could use real werewolves as much as possible. The movie was a perfect blending of CGI and good old fashion special effects. Let’s take it a step further and go with the movie FX. The movie is about a guy that is supposed to be a special effects wizard and he uses no CGI. The movie is filled with good old fashion gag work.

Cinematographer:

AKA the camera guy. The man behind the shutter has the ability to capture or miss what is going on in any scene. What’s the one thing every one knocks Kevin Smith for, even Kevin himself, his movies look like crap. A cinematographer brings a visual style to the movie that can enhance the telling of the story. This person can make the call on lighting and wide or narrow angle shots and many other choices and techniques they have at their disposal. While making it look good does not really have that much of a negative impact, it can have a tremendous positive impact. Let’s go to the shaky cam. Developed for the filming of the Evil Dead. How do they get those scenes of the camera moving through the woods. They strapped a camera to a piece of would and two guys started running lifting and lowering the camera to give the effect of an other worldly presence racing through the woods. Oh and no one had done that before.

Composer:

Mood music does just that, it sets the mood. It enhances the movie goers experience and draws them into the story. How many guys have used music to seduce a woman, all of us at time or another. Well the music in your movie seduces the movie goers, bringing them into your evil clutches that much easier.

So these are some of the key players for making your movie. You have to find the right people for each position even if you’re trying to make a bad movie. You still have to do it right if you are going to entertain.

Hollywood rips itself off again and again and again...

Your friendly neighborhood Movie Whore here and I have been doing a lot of twitching lately. Why?

I have been seeing way too many remakes in production in Hollywood these days proving yet again that they have run out of ideas. I want to go through some of them and talk about why it is a bad idea. This all started with post from Michael Ott which I left lengthy comments on here. So with out further rambling let's jump in and find out what is going to be ruined in the near future.

Fantastic Voyage

Studio: Fox

Why it's a bad idea: Sure the original has has some the worst special effects ever but that was the cutting edge stuff back then. Besides they already remade this idea with the movie Innerspace starring Dennis Quaid and Martin Short. Sure it was a completely different story and that is why it worked. They took the same idea of putting a miniaturized manned vehicle in the human body but had the good sense to take the story in a completely different direction.

Barbarella

Studio: Universal

Why it may not be a bad idea: The guy attached to this flick is none other than Robert Rodriguez. If it was anyone else I would be twitching as I am typing this but because it is him I have a little faith. The original movie was a piece of crap that had viewers asking "What in the blue hell is going on?" But we did get to see Jane Fonda naked.

I can't say I love every thing he has done (not a Spy Kids fan) but you can not deny the man knows how to make cheese work. Just watch Planet Terror again. The concept for the film actually goes back to French graphic story published in 1962. I would like to see him ignore the first film and go straight from the original story.

Clash of the Titans

Studio: Warner Brothers

Why it is a bad idea but could have potential: I love the original claymation and all. In the spirit of bad Sinbad movies I can’t get enough of or Jason and the Argonauts, this is a classic movie. We all have memories from our childhood of this movie. We loved it then and we appreciate it now. So why mess with it. How could this possibly have potential?

While I have mixed emotions over it, if you know your mythology you know they screwed with the story. I would like to see not a remake but a telling of the original mythology with it fully intact. This movie has excessive CGI written all over it and while I believe less is more, you need outstanding CGI work to make this movie work. Think of the kung fu robots we got from Transformers.

Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Hellraiser

Studios: Various

What makes me twitch and at the same time makes me wonder: I twitch because I love these flicks just the way they are. You don’t mess with classics.

I wonder about these only because of the outstanding job Rob Zombie did with his re-imagining of Halloween. The major reason that Halloween worked is because Rob is a fan first, director second. They are going to need to either hire Rob or find guys that have his passion for the genre.

The Thing and Escape from New York

Studios: Universal (The Thing), New Line (Escape from New York)

Why this is a bad idea: 2 words, Kurt Russel. You will never find anyone that can play Snake Plissken as well as Kurt. Not to mention that watching The Thing when I was 9 scared the ever living s*** out of me. I have gone back as an adult to watch the movie and it holds up. John Carpenter is a very special kind of film maker that can take B-Movie material and give back something that has entertainment value.

Dune

Studio: Unknown

Why it is the second worst idea I have ever heard: If some one wants to help me out with the studio that would be great but the director is going to be actor turned director Peter Berg. I love the original. Frank Herbert loved the original. He even talks about it on the special edition DVD. I don’t care about the effects and I loved the inner dialog you got from the characters. Don’t even come at me with that remake the SciFi channel did. I hated it. Watched twice to make sure and yes I hated it. This has bad things written all over it as I know the budget is going to be well over $100 million and rely on way too much CGI to tell the story while they invest nothing into the story. I hope they prove me wrong.

Evil Dead

Studio: Ghost House Pictures

Why this is the worst idea of all time hands down no arguments allowed: 2 words, Bruce “I am the guy with the gun” Campbell. The original is hands down still one of the scariest movies I have ever seen. I am not talking about the Evil dead 2 which was more comedy then horror. I am talking about the master piece that makes me turn the lights on in the house every time I watch it. I personally blame watching this movie too many times in the middle of the night for my rediscovered fear of the dark and things that go bump in the night. I don’t care that Raimi and Campbell are producing it. With out Bruce as Ash the movie will be noting more than a sell outs bastardization of their own work.

Storms, storms, and more storms

Here we go again on a little trip inside my mind.
I wonder what we will find.

Will it cause laughter
Will it cause fear.
Could it even make you shed a tear

It is a tour and I am your guide
Hold on tight this fuckers going to be one hell of a ride.

So I am feeling a little silly as I write this on Thursday night. The Office is on. I loved the new My name is Earl and I can't wait to watch Saturday Night Live this week. Christopher Walken (namee) is hosting. He always has the best stuff. MORE COWBELL! I am a big fan of The Continental skits. Next.

Having (missed one there) one hell of a weird (misspelled the first time) fucking week. First I get asked by a small indy (no I am not fixing that.) film maker that read Why I am "The" Movie Whore when I (missed the shift key again) posted it over on The Rusty Lime and then emailed the site admin (that either) with a request for me to watch their movie and give them a review. So I did. I posted my review for you here. So I sent a much more in depth review full of all kinds of thoughts on the movie. I nit picked the hell out of it but also pointed out the shit I liked. I got an email back from Dom the guy that wrote it, directed it, filmed it and edited it. He loved my review. He was a having (forgot a word) shitty day and when he read my in depth review and that I like the movie he was quite happy and wants my thoughts on future projects. I am honored. I really am. It is quite the proud moment when some one reads the shit I write and says "This guy knows his shit." The (DAMN SHIFT KEY) guys even gave me a shout out on their MySpace bulletins. I thought this was (Another forgotten word) very cool and I am looking forward to seeing what else these guys put together. Next.

So a couple of the guys that are fellow contributors on The Rusty Lime decided they wanted to drive up from the bay area to little old Chico California to hang out with me. So Tomorrow night (tonight as many of you read this) I am going out for beers with Joe Marco and Kim OJ from The Rusty Lime. These guys are also the guys behind Last Rockstar (I just added this one to the dictionary) Productions that I have linked under the Cool Stuff header on the right. I watched their shorts and their not bad. Some of it's pretty funny. I dig these guys and (I skip a lot of words) you should check out some of (a lot of words) their articles on The Rusty Lime. I am (missed the space bar) not all that (Nothing here but just wanted to mention I dig Rammstein) impressed with the Office this week so I am switching to music. I have it on shuffle so (extra letter) I have no idea what's coming next but we have started with some 3 Doors Down. Any way I am looking forward to tomorrow night but I am scared because Joe is bringing a video camera and no good can come from that.

So Joe (shift damn you) gives me a call today to set up tomorrow night and I find out that The Rusty Lime has had close to a quarter million unique hits from the US since the beginning of the year. And (left out a letter {then hit caps lock}) close to 50,000 from Australia where the site is based out of and close to another (dyslexia strikes again) 50,000 from the rest of the world. I guess things are really starting to take off. I guess there is even talk of trying to get us press passes. All I could think was "HOLY SHIT!" It is a little hard for me to believe that this guy here is a part of something like that. I have always dreamed of having part in something that generated that kind of mass appeal but never really thought that I would it would happen. I would like to thank Micheal Ott (it's a name for Christs sakes so I am not fixing it), the man that owns and runs The Rusty Lime for letting be a contributor on his site. It is an honor. Oleander is on right now. Not bad stuff. I ripped a bunch of Statty's (It's a nick name but a name none the less so I am not changing it) CDs (apparently their is no accurate plural for CD) over the weekend I am shuffling through it to see what my boy is listening to.

Speaking of Statty (already addressed this), he just moved in with his girlfriend last weekend and of course I helped. It's not like I ( I said shift damn you) could tell him no. That guy has helped me move more times than I can count. This really was an easy move. Only 2 real heavy items and the stairs weren't too bad. I dig his girlfriend. She is a cool lady. Very funny and very good for him. I have been hanging with Statty (NO) for about 7 years now. This is the first time he has ever lived with a girl. My free entertainment has just jumped by leaps and bounds. To give you an idea of how much time I spend hanging out with this guy he usually spends about 2 hours here 3 days a week. We go over football news and discuss movies. Him and my girlfriend get along fine. Statty (what part of no do you not understand) is an entertaining guy. He also knows more about football than I know about movies. He is a fucking football guru that make Mel Keyper (see name rule) look like an amateur. So here pretty soon Statty (AAAHHHH!!!) is going to join the blogosphere (Yeah so it's a made up word get over it) with his unique insights and I will be doing some guest posting there too. Hold on a moment.

OK (the shift key really is becoming the bane of my existence) I am back. I was trying to catch some lyrics. Statty (enough already) owns a couple Fall Out boy CDs (again with the CD thing). He claims to be straight and not (left out another word but in this case there could be some deeper psychological meaning) be a douche bag. When I asked him about this he said that if you listen to the lyrics you will find some cool shit in there. You see Statty (why God why) was an English (did not realized i needed to capitalize that one) major and picked up on a lot of double meanings and innuendo in their lyrics that most of us would probably miss. So I am giving them a shot to see if I can pick something up.

Fellas listen closely. (was going so fast I forgot to break it up) You don't always have to fuck her hard. I love Tenacious D. For those that don't know the line is the opening to one of their songs and that is what just came on. Where was I?

Shit I am lost again. Some one want to help me out. No Sy (name rule) that's a bad Sy(This is really getting redundant). I have no idea what it was but I am sure it was going to be bad. If you haven't done (dyslexia) it yet you really need to check Sy's (fucking names) shit out over at The Wheel is Turning but The Hamster is Dead. The mans got some great stuff. Cracks me up frequently. Oh I just remembered where I was at. Thanks (shift shift shift shift) for the reminder Sy(I may start running down the street naked and on fire in a moment if this shit keeps up).

I love Cracker. Such a fun band. The have (extra letters) bluesy style with a lot of there stuff that just grooves. I dig it.

Speaking of entertaining you need to check out this post from Crissy as she gets revenge against her neighbors whose dogs keep shitting in her yard. It's fucking classic. I love this ladies style. For (oh where or where had my little shift key gone oh where oh where can it be) those of you that I am missing in this post my apologies I am a little wrapped up in shit and have not gotten to all the blogs this week that I normally read. So make sure you check out the Blog Roll and check some of (forgot another damn word, fuck!) these people out. Now it's time for editing which I have not done yet. I always write the post out first then go back and edit. Which explains all the stuff (like this that you see throughout the post). I really could have warned you first but how is that fun for me.

What makes a good movie?

I have been thinking about this the last couple days or actually ever since I knew what a movie was. What is it that makes a movie good?

It's a difficult question to answer. Whether or not a movie is good is totally subjective. Let's take for instance one of my new favorite movies, Southland Tales. I wrote a review of this movie and called it brilliant. Well tonight I went to see Mike and Spikes Sick and Twisted Cartoon Festival (Not as good as last years). The buddies I went with found Southland Tales to be "retarded." The Wookie actually said that. If you ever saw him you would understand why the hairy guy has the nick names. Then Jeff Solo, the Wookies room mate agreed with him. So I called Statutory Steve (Yes it is a joke nick name his girlfriend is actually older than him.) because I was in a state of disbelief over the fact that Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum thought that Southland Tales sucked. Statty reminded me where these comments were coming from. The inhabitants of the Falcon are known for their bad taste and loving the most intellectually devoid crap.

Now don't get me wrong I love these guys like brothers but I really question their taste, frequently. Granted Statty and I are arrogant elitists but we have worked hard to become so. Statty is actually the one that gave me the title of Movie Whore as he is more of a critic than I am. The man just does not appreciate the value of a good B-Movie. I found myself becoming a critic and when I realized this was happening I decided the best way to regain my all out fandom was to immerse myself in crappy movies. This explains why I even know what Zombie Nation is.

Anyway back on topic. What makes a good movie I believe is what I am rambling about today. Here a few key points that I find makes a movie good to me.

• Entertainment Value: Did I want to shut the movie off. Even as much of a whore as I am I have shut some movies off for being that bad. Not many but a few. The best way to judge for yourself is after the movie do you feel like they stole time from your life you will never get back, if the answer is yes then it was a bad movie. Alone in the Dark was so bad I actually forgot I had seen it and watched it again.
  
• Dialog: Lame dialog makes for a lame movie. Good dialog makes for a possibly good movie. Great dialog makes a movie. Clerks looks like crap but it is the dialog that made it such a great movie.
  
• Plot: The more plausible and easy to follow the better generally speaking. There are some hard to follow movies out there that are pretty damn good. Think Donnie Darko and films that you may have to watch twice to get. Once you get it you love it.
  
• Pace: While important, can be forgiven for story and acting. Does the director move the movie along or are you stuck with pointless scenes that never lead to anything. Poor pacing can kill a potentially good movie in 5 minutes or less. Notable exception to this rule is The Good Shepherd. Matt Damon was incredible in this telling of a man that lived a life with little to no emotion. The slow pace emphasized his character.
  
• Acting: Bad acting can sometimes be a pleasure to watch if it is intended to be that kind of movie. Sometimes it could even make a movie better. I really think that Moulin Rouge would have been better with bad actors. The music stuff was fun but you had great actors pulling off emotional scenes that clashed with the fun ride this movie could have been. No one can deny that great acting can be crucial to how good a movie is. Hugh Jackman was amazing in The Fountain and carried that movie on his shoulders. I loved that movie.
  
• Loopholes: So many movies leave with you with questions. They never tell the complete story. A great movie that told a complete story and answered all your questions was The Departed. No some movies are made to leave you asking questions and that is their draw. They make you think and use your imagination to fill in the intentionally left holes. The original anime movie A Ghost In the Shell had my brain spinning for hours after I watched it. I own this movie.
  
• Special Effects: Bad effects can kill an other wise good movie. I am Legend is the best example of this. Will Smith really is a good actor. His performance was strong but the creatures in this move were so bad that I can't see myself ever watching the movie again.
  
• Less is more: Think about the original Alien. One of the things that set the mood and made this movie so good was the distinct absence of sound and background music. Silence can be a powerful thing. The Descent also used this technique and I was impressed with how many times I jumped out of my seat during this flick.
  
• Believability: Offenders of this rule include nearly every time travel movie ever made. They give you their science then abandon their own rules. Bullets go through walls. There is a big difference between cover and concealment. Cover stops bullets, concealment does not. Most action movies screw this one up. It really is the little things that viewers can key in on. If you don't believe me check out any movie forum. You will find nit picking all over the place with no mention as to whether or not the movie is good.
  
• Continuity: If you are going to make a sequel you better have your story straight. In my mind Lucas totally abandon this with Episodes 1-3. He threw off the continuity of Episodes 4-6. Kevin Smith of all people I think understands continuity better than any director I have ever seen. The references he makes in his films to past movies showing that he understands movie goers are not stupid and builds in an automatic need to see the rest of his flicks to get the jokes in later movies.
  

I think that is going to do it for this edition. If I have left something out let me know. In closing "Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?"

Why not?

I usually do not post anything ion the weekends and I am still dealing with quite the hangover. So I figured why not through something out there just for the hell of it while I am waiting for the new SNL with Christopher Walken hosting tonight.

So here is how my day started. I woke up to my phone letting me know I had a new text message. It was at this precise moment in time that I felt my head split open from drinking way too much. I used to be quite the heavy drinker. I would be able drink a $100 worth of booze by myself. Not any more. I don't drink that often and when I do I usually have no more than 2. Last night was a special occasion. If you actually read this dribble I write you know I had a couple of out of town visitors last night. We spent most of the night bullshitting at their hotel room drinking. Well OK I did most the talking. I am a talkative guy any way but when you add booze I don't shut up. Last night was a perfect example. Marco and Kim did a wonderful job of putting up with my non stopping rambling. They totally indulged my desire to have the spotlight. They are some cool guys. I felt like I had met a kindred spirit in Marco. He seems to be just as twisted as I am. Kim is much quieter but when he speaks it matters. I am a sarcastic asshole in case you haven't noticed and Kim got me good a few times. They have a lot of it on video and I was in rare form. Really going above and beyond to make an ass of myself. Really I do that sober but the booze took it to the next level. the girlfriend even came by to hang out with us. The coolest part of the evening for me was when the guys or Marco started talking about me joining up with them in their efforts to produce some high quality cinema. I really do consider it the highest of honors to have artists ask me to help them create. Some how I don't think they know what they are getting themselves into. When it comes to work I am unrelenting in my desire to create perfection. You would never know that reading the ramblings I post here and that is because this is not work, this is therapy. It's fun and I love doing it. I am definitely looking forward to seeing what capacity I will be able to use my talents to aid these guys in producing some top notch films. Of course once I get started they may kill me. You have seen on here that I will ruip people a new own over making films the wrong way. They got a small taste of that last night. I was not mean but honest. Too often the 2 things are seen as the same thing. Hold on. One of my favorite Megadeth songs came on and I was having a hard time concentrating. Where was I. Oh yes the adventure of film making that I am about to embark on. It really is exciting and part of a dream come true.

So now back to my brain trying pound its way through my skull. So I stumble out to the living room and open the phone and see that Statty has sent me a text message. I figure he is seeing if I am awake to find out about last nights little adventure. Boy was I fucking wrong. The message I got was as follows.

Well I'm getting married...Haha.

I was not in the mood for jokes. Instead of responding I called the bastard.

"I am way too hungover for these kind of shenanigans. What the fuck is going on?"

"It's not a joke and it's past April Fools, me and Yoko (his now wife) are on our way to reno to get married. We had a long talk about it last night and she waited to go last night but I told her let's sleep on it and if we still think it is a good idea in the morning then we'll do it"

So here is the final piece of what I am officially referring to as my weirdest week ever. It has all been positive stuff that has taken place but just fucking weird and coincidental like you not believe and I if I ever write an autobiography it is going to be called "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K: A journey of one weird life."

I have touched on some of the weird occurrences in my life in previous posts but they don't scratch the surface to just how weird my life is. I love the Beatles. Just transferred the discography my girlfriend has on her computer to mine today. You know I can't liten to Twist and Shout with out thinking about Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Sublime is good to. What I Got just came on. So I have varying tastes when it comes to music. I just love music that has a good groove. So here I sit in the dark writing this silly little post for this silly little blog and I wonder to myself "Self what the hell are doing here right now?"

Honestly I don;'t have a very good answer or a bad one. I just don't know. Maybe I was hoping that once I started typing something profound would jump out or maybe some brilliantly funny thing would creep it's way from my brain through to my fingers. Not fucking likely. So here I sit in the dark listening now to Violent Femmes and wondering why it is I am still typing. I just can't seem to stop myself almost as if I know I have something to say I just can;t figure out what it is. I could have already said it and now I am going to into over kill. Here I sit. Ozzy is my hero.

Well let me leave you with a few little things.
1. Judge yourself then accept the things you don't like or change them but please don't complain about them.

2. Save your judgments for yourself. No body cares what you think of them and if they did they would ask for thoughts.

3. Be true to who are at all costs. If you don;t know who that is take an few minutes to look yourself in the eye in the mirror.

I just figured out why I am doing this. I am trying to fill a whole that has been left empty for far too long. Stop right there Sy. I am being serious. You see there is this guy that I have known for just over twenty years that may as well be blood. We have had our differences over the years but we have both reached a point where can appreciate one another. I just got off the phone with him. Man I miss that dude. I stepped away from writing this for a bit to give him a call. So I guess my weird week ends here.

What is Duality?

It's a good flick, that's what. So I posted "Why I am "The Movie Whore" over on Rusty Lime where I write occasionally. What I got was more than I ever expected. The site got an email request for me. What was that request, well it was from one of the guys in a movie called Duality. He wanted me to watch the flick and give them some feedback. Now I have to say I was impressed with myself. It was quite satisfying to have some one read that article and think that I actually might know what the hell I am talking about. Then ask for my input. I was all over it.

You can find Duality here. It is posted in broken up you tube clips but the movie is there and is complete. You may have to refresh the page after watching a few parts. I did not mind since I was taking notes for the film maker as I watched. Now before you watch it I want to acknowledge Dom Portalla, who wrote, directed, edited and filmed Duality. He did a great job all the way around with the script and the camera work and all on a budget of $7,000. Better than that he made a good movie.

So on with the review. Duality starts with Darrien getting the crap kicked out of him by a couple of thugs that think he is his twin brother Travis. A solid opening. I am purposefully going to be vague about the rest of the movie because I want you to watch it for yourself. But here is what you are going to find. Great dialog. I am betting Dom owns the Kevin Smith collection. There are references throughout the film to other movies that you would actually use in real life. Very real dialog for the most part. There is even one great reference that I am willing to bet most of you will miss. Unless you are a movie whore yourself that is.

Anyway we follow Darrien, Mason and Alex (Thugs) as they try to track down Darrien's brother Travis to work some things out or they all die. You see Travis told Gage (Drug dealer and generally crazy mad man) that he could double his money with $20,000 worth of coke (cocaine) and then disappeared. If they don't find Travis or the money and the drugs then people are going to die, namely them. Darrien is not a bad guy, maybe he drinks a little much from time to time but a good guy none the less. Alex is a douche bag. Every movie needs a douche bag and this one has Alex. With out him it would not be the same movie nor would it be as good. Mason is the good bad guy that is really a stand up guy working for the wrong mad man. You know the thug with a heart of gold. Travis is a douche bag as well but not has no real redeeming qualities. You almost hope he gets done in. No I am not going to tell you if he does.

There are a few other interesting characters that we meet along the way. During their search we get some good laughs and we get to know the trio and by the end you are really pulling for them. I would mention more of what happens but I really want you to watch this movie. Between ex girlfriends, mistaken identity, crazy small time drug lords and one tweaked out kid getting the ride of his life, you have a lot of fun.

I really did enjoy this movie. It had great dialog which is a must. The acting was good, especially by Ken who played Darrien/Travis. He did a great job playing two different people. It was actually Ken that had contacted me asking for my feedback. I am glad he did. I just got an email from Dom and Ken forwarded him my notes. Dom was quite pleased with my notes and in those notes I nit picked quite a bit but there was nothing in this movie that made me want to turn it off. Quite the opposite I wanted to see how it going to end. Dom did a great job of setting things up and moving the story along. Frankly the ending was absolutely brilliant and brought the movie full circle. Really it could not have ended better. Usually I have a problem with a lot of movies for the way they end it. Case in point No one should have survived AVP:Requiem.

I also encourage you to check out the Door Eleven Productions page. I watched a couple of the clips they have on there and one that stood out was Billboard America. Absolutely brilliant. Disturbing but brilliant.

All in all I recommend watching Duality and I am looking forward to seeing it again. Until the next time this the Movie Whore saying "please Eddy don't pull my ears."

Cookie Winners

My girlfriend is exempt from ever winning a cookie because she actually knows how my brain works and yes she is fully aware of how scary that really is.

Cookies will be issued from my imagination and no real cookies will be given out.

1. Greg M - First person to leave a comment.

2. Jack - "I drank what?" Golden cookie.
Another ten for the Band article idea.

3. Mirjam - For giving me the Blog Storming idea. 10 cookies for the idea and a bonus 10 for it now becoming a weekly piece.

4. Jason - For having the best Job interview story, 10 cookies.

5. Sy - For knowing too much about Tank Girl, 10 cookies.